It’s been a good season for hair in the National League Central.
While we were all focused on this:
Albert Almora Jr. was busy growing this:
Unfortunately, since this is The Internet™, we’re now contractually obligated to have an insufferable debate over who, between these two beautiful young men, possesses the better head of hair.
To make this a bit more bearable, we’ve broken it up into a few scientific categories. After all, this is a question that deserves to be answered using reason and objectivity.
Length:
The length of a man’s hair is not the end-all-be-all measure of how good that hair is. But it’s certainly a factor.
Winner: Tucker. The man has put in the hours.
Originality:
Unusual hair is not always good hair, but if hair is good enough to be in a conversation about whether it is the best hair, originality is a bonus.
Winner: Almora. Are those frosted tips? I’m not sure. It’s not conventional, so I don’t know what to make of it, but boy, do I enjoy it.
Under a Hat/Helmet:
With most male hair, but especially a baseball player’s hair, it’s important how it flows out of various pieces of headgear.
Winner: Tucker. Obviously. Almora’s hair looks good out of a hat, but Tucker’s is perfect. Long enough to bounce even while his hat’s still on. But not so long it makes the hat look silly (yet).
When the Hat/Helmet Comes Off:
Since baseball players with good hair are often fast (scientists are hard at work determining why), and their hair takes up a lot of space, their hats and helmets are more prone to self-removal than those of, say, Mr. Clean. It’s important that this is an exciting event.
Winner: Almora. While Tucker’s looks beautiful when sliding, Almora’s is a thrill from the moment it emerges. Look what he was hiding under there! That’s a mane! A mane, I say!
Accessories:
This is an ambiguous category that gives me an opportunity to talk about how good Albert Almora’s headband looks.
Winner: Ambiguous. On the one hand, Tucker’s hair doesn’t need accessories. It’s the kind of hair that, were he to put on a suit, would look just as natural. Almora’s hair, though, greatly benefits from the headband he employs. Headband off? Would probably look best paired with a liberally unbuttoned open collar shirt under a suitcoat. Headband on? Get this man on a baseball field.
So who won?
Ultimately, we’re all winners here. Hair is not a zero-sum game.
