They say you don’t remember the exact moment you fell in love. They say it happens slowly, that you look up one day and realize you’ve been in love a long time. I won’t opine on the mysteries of the heart, but I will say this: Somewhere between Mack Brown briefly retiring and Parker Kingston vomiting between his legs in celebration, college football’s Week 4 wooed us. Week 4, you were a beautiful week of college football.
The worst vibes and the best, from 1 to 10:
Worst Vibes
1. North Carolina Football
Have you ever responded to a terrible day of work by showing up late the next morning? Did you tell your coworkers you were just joking, that obviously you weren’t considering quitting your job and never showing up again? Did you and your coworkers both know you weren’t joking, that you were considering quitting your job and never showing up again? Did you spend 45 minutes that morning looking in the mirror searching your own eyes for the person you used to be?
Mack Brown reportedly told his team he was retiring yesterday after the Tar Heels allowed James Madison to score 70 points, 53 of which came in the first half. How much he meant by this is up for debate, and there’s an angle where Freddie Kitchens (yep, the guy from the Browns) might be spreading the rumor because he wants the interim job. “Tight ends coach and run game coordinator Freddie Kitchens has player support to take an interim role, sources said.” Whatever the case, everyone in Chapel Hill seems to expect Brown to show up for work today. But…what if he doesn’t?
2. Football in North Carolina
Thankfully for Mack Brown, everyone else in that state sucks too. NC State? They trailed Clemson 45–7 at the half. Charlotte? Ripped limb from limb by Indiana. Wake Forest? After losing to Mississippi last week, they bought their way out of playing the return trip because the ass-kicking had gotten too painful. The Carolina Panthers? They are the Carolina Panthers.
The vibes are bad in the North Carolinian football world. It only makes matters worse that the one team playing well is Duke.
3. TCU on the CW
TCU made fun of SMU for joining a conference that plays games on the CW. We loved it. The problem? TCU kept the first–half–points trend going, giving SMU a 41–21 halftime lead. How did Sonny Dykes respond? By getting himself ejected on the first play of the third quarter. TCU undid decades of intra-metroplex football superiority. TCU died a little yesterday. Maybe a lot.
Then, the CW made fun of TCU. Not the ACC! Not SMU! (Ok, they made fun of TCU too.) The CW itself made fun of Texas Christian University’s football team. Do you know how bad you have to play for a channel to come after you?
4. Oklahoma’s Offense
Let’s all guess the number of Sooners sitting around after church this morning saying, “At least Lincoln Riley scored points.” I’m going to guess 2.01 million.
The bright side here is that the defense did mostly hold Josh Heupel’s Tennessee Volunteers in check. The bad side is that it might be nicer if Oklahoma could say, “Dammit, why did we let that guy go?” If Riley hadn’t been a lot better than Heupel as an offensive coordinator, it’d be easier for Oklahoma fans to direct all their frustration towards Heupel-adjacent topics. Instead, if someone says, “Ugh, why did we fire Heupel,” someone else will say, “I mean, Riley scored a lot of points,” and then everyone will scuff their boots a little against the tile before wiping the powdered sugar off their hands on the thinnest napkin any of us has ever seen.
5. SEC Little Brothers
Poor Mississippi State. They were better than Mississippi at football. Now they’re not. Now they’re hardly better than anybody at football.
Poor Auburn. They thought they might be better at football than Alabama again. They’re not. They’re hardly better than anybody.
6. MACtion
I will confess: The refs blowing that fumble dead in Toledo vs. Western Kentucky haunts me. It is bothering me still this morning. I don’t like it, and I don’t want to blog about it. In normal times, I would have wrestled with whether or not to put the Challenger explosion on that graphic, since the Rockets blew up. Today? Not for a second. The call hurt too much. It doesn’t sit well with this college football blogger.
Northern Illinois? No sympathy. If you’re NIU, you know the MAC. You know what you’re up against. You can’t get surprised by Buffalo.
7. Impending MACtion
UMass is joining the MAC soon, and maybe that means in the future they’ll schedule homecoming against conference opponents. This year? This year they scheduled homecoming against Central Connecticut State and very nearly lost. UMass is going to do sick, perverted things inside the MAC. The MAC is not going to feel comfortable with the things UMass is doing. UMass is going to take this all too far.
8. Anarcho-Communism
Cal…you had a good run. But for as impressive as your hanging with Florida State would have been under different circumstances, the circumstances were what they were, and you failed at your primary task, which was making Florida State the further laughingstock of all college football.
We often say around here that college football is a series of wars between different American subcultures. Yesterday, Florida State’s subculture beat Cal’s. This reflects poorly on the viability of the Berkelian set of views.
9. Mizzou
I think Mizzou is bad at football. I think they tricked us into thinking they were good but that they are secretly bad. I don’t know how long they can continue to fool us. I think Missouri has one good football player.
10. Brian Kelly
Nothing special from BK this week, at least that I saw. He got booed going into the half, and at one point Ethan Garbers made a baller throw for UCLA which briefly convinced me Garbers was the next John Mateer, but Brian Kelly didn’t do anything noteworthy. He just was. For us, for him, and for this list, that’s enough.
Best Vibes
1. Smashmouth Football
Michigan learned with emphasis last week that nobody on their roster can throw. I like to imagine the following conversation going like this:
Sherrone Moore: Shit, we can’t pass.
The AI-Powered Hologram of Jim Harbaugh Which Sherrone Moore Worships and Consults for Advice: Run the damn ball, my son.
Sherrone Moore: On every play, though?
Digital Harbaugh: Only the ones where you’re on offense.
Sherrone Moore: Ha! Hey, thanks, Coach. You’re the best.
Digital Harbaugh: I am going to blow up Patrick Mahomes’s house now and manage to blame it on you. Look! I am quirky! I like football and beef and I advocate sensibly for racial justice!
The best part of Michigan winning was that it forced Lincoln Riley to watch a fullback open up the gamewinning hole. USC doesn’t have a fullback on its entire roster.
2. JMU & Friends
I didn’t realize Bob Chesney was hot. It made sense once people pointed it out, but he was always so bundled up by the time of year I started watching Holy Cross that I never really noticed how handsome he is. He’s chasing Marcus Freeman in the best-looking coach rankings. Of comparable importance? He’s chasing the Group of Five’s playoff berth.
This year’s JMU team moved up in the world yesterday, while elsewhere, Curt Cignetti and a bunch of last year’s JMU players kept winning on behalf of Indiana. JMU’s diaspora is making its presence known.
3. John Mateer’s Team
Another great one from Washington State, who survived San Jose State on Friday night through the footwork of one Dean Janikowski. Mateer remained his beautifully imperfect self. You can’t have moxie without a few picks.
4. Buffaloes
I cannot tell you how much I’m looking forward to the inevitable Arch Manning vs. Shedeur Sanders debates. I’m trying to start them as we speak. I’m asking everyone I know whether Arch Manning or Shedeur Sanders is the better quarterback. I am asking Emerson College to include it in their presidential polling.
Awesome throw by Sanders, awesome drive, what a catch by LaJohntay Wester, what a play by Travis Hunter to force the game-winning fumble in overtime on his 200th snap of the game. The video Colorado posted from behind the endzone makes it look so wet there, too, which I didn’t fully realize watching the broadcast. Amazing stuff. I hope Colorado students never learn that you don’t have to storm the field after every single victory.
5. Buffalo
One team’s MACtion is another team’s MACtion. Congratulations to the Bulls for reclaiming superiority within Illinois.
6. Some Orange Not All
Clemson? Rolled NC State while Cade Klubnik again looked good. Tennessee? No problem with Oklahoma on the road. Illinois? Nearly flawless performance from Luke Altmyer in hostile Lincoln on Friday night. Syracuse? Well, that’s why we said “Not All.”
7. The United States Navy
Memphis was flying so high. They were clearly the best Group of Five team, they had a nice win over Florida State under their belt, they were getting courted by the New Pac-12. Then, they ran into the greatest military force on the open seas. Navy’s quarterback had 403 yards by himself yesterday. More than half of them were on the ground. Imagine what that bastard could do in a swimming pool.
Masterful stuff from the Navy, who did finally install some wrinkles in the offense but in typical federal government fashion did this about eight years after they first needed it done.
8. Football in Utah
You know a team has good vibes when their potential worst play of the game turns into a touchdown. BYU had an electric night.
As for Utah? Utah went on the road with their backup quarterback (added degree of difficulty: He’s Zach Wilson’s brother). They beat a ranked team expected to contend against them for the Big 12 title. It was not as close as the final score. I’m sure Utah will eventually crumple at an inopportune time—Cam Rising’s body has already performed its role within this rite—but for the moment, the Utes are still on that “teams you have to watch” list, and there’s always a little thrill to that. All we ever want is for Utah to be ranked eighth in the country.
9. Weather Delays
In games with significant weather delays yesterday, all three home teams won. West Virginia and Western Kentucky came back from sizable pre-lightning deficits. Liberty came back from a sizable post-lightning deficit. These guys took the most annoying thing in college football and made lemonade. That, like the Parker Kingston punt return & barf, is a good vibes move.
10. Boston College
Lastly, BC won the annual Red Bandana Game. It was dramatic, it was emotional, and the memory of Welles Crowther was appropriately honored, as it always is. Good vibes come in a few different shapes.
