Kyle Schwarber’s exasperated, demonstrative plea last night for Ángel Hernández to answer his moral call and retire from umpiring brought back all the warm fuzzies. Schwarber is arguably the coolest man on the planet, and is certainly up there for coolest baseball player alive, bringing vibes capable of making even the coolest fireman or crossing guard say, “Damn, that guy is cool.”
Obviously, not every team has a Kyle Schwarber. Not every team is blessed with the vibes Phillies fans are currently enjoying from their left fielder. But every team does have its own vibe king or queen, or at least vibe prince, and it’s time we acknowledged each of them. Starting in the NL East.
Philadelphia: Kyle Schwarber
As stated.
New York (NL): Eduardo Escobar
It appears the Twins took the YouTube video of Escobar having no idea what his teammates’ names were private, which is a bizarre but also on-brand thing for the Twins to do. Considering Escobar’s played for Arizona, Milwaukee, and now the Mets since then, it’s safe to say this guy is blissfully confused about who else is in his clubhouse, and potentially even where he is. Nonetheless, he rakes. Keep doing you, Eddie.
Miami: Jazz Chisholm Jr.
Name? Jazz. Favorite pastime? Swagger.
Atlanta: Blooper
I mean look at this creature. No remorse.
Washington: Juan Soto
The only person in our nation’s capital getting things done.
Chicago (NL): Pat Hughes
Sadly for the Cubs, the vibes are concentrated in the radio booth right now. Happily for the Cubs, the vibes in said radio booth are immaculate.
Milwaukee: Rowdy Tellez
Look at this man, who goes by Rowdy.
Pittsburgh: Dan Vogelbach
Dan Vogelbach is Rowdy Tellez’s vibe cousin of German descent.
Cincinnati: Joey Votto
Votto’s treading the line of going full weirdo, but for right now he’s full-weirdo-who’s-also-fun. Unclear what he did in his past life to have been condemned to spend his career with the Reds, but possible he’s the reincarnation of Mussolini. Big step forward in moral performance if so.
St. Louis: Albert Pujols
Credit where credit is due. Albert Pujols has been crushing the ball so far. Moves in slow motion, but the ball does not, and that combination is the best vibe the Cardinals currently have going for them.
Los Angeles: Trea Turner
Turner’s vibes are among the best and simultaneously most underappreciated in Major League Baseball. The guy’s among the best players alive, has among the most fun in baseball, is all the things traditional baseball fans like, and once heckled Joe Torre from his own dugout during a World Series game because Torre sucked at his job.
San Francisco: Joc Pederson
Still not over the pearls. Or the mustache.
Arizona: Madison Bumgarner
Exiled to the desert, MadBum’s maintained his vibes in the face of the most dejecting experience imaginable. Also one of the few baseball players who’s triumphed over (basically) his team’s nickname, once rescuing life from the belly of a rattler. Pujols hasn’t even tamed a cardinal and Bumgarner’s out here chopping snakes in half and raising the bunnies found therein.
Colorado: Connor Joe
Two first names, gets to play at Coors Field, has the smile of a wild man. Not a bad vibe prince while Rockies fans wait for the Monfort brothers to stumble into success once again.
San Diego: Joe Musgrove
A strange reality about the Padres right now is that their vibes are off. Badly off, in fact. Even Fernando Tatís Jr.’s vibes have taken a hit. Right now, they’re leaning on steady Joe, who goes out every fifth day and does his job well and also gets to live in San Diego. Something all of us can aspire to.
Baltimore: Cedric Mullins II
One of the few good things happening in Baltimore baseball. Looks so good in the black and orange. The Orioles, strangely, have great vibes even when they’re terrible. Fascinating franchise vibe scientists will one day study in depth.
Toronto: Vladimir Guerrero Jr.
VIBE KING.
Boston: Kike Hernández
The most likable player in the game?
New York (AL): Joey Gallo
One of the prerequisites for having the best vibes on the Yankees is being a large man. Another is being unfairly loathed by Yankees fans, a spectacularly dumb breed.
Tampa Bay: Brett Phillips
The laugh, man. The laugh.
Minnesota: Bullseye
The Twins have terrible vibes. Byron Buxton might be cursed, Rocco Baldelli’s mitochondria are trying to kill him, Twins fans might hate baseball, and yet…
There, above the right field corner, watches a light-up dog with a light-up, wagging tail. A beacon of hope in a bad-vibe city (especially this time of year).
Kansas City: Zack Greinke
Remember when Zack Greinke and Clayton Kershaw were on the same staff and there were all those stories about Kershaw’s strict regimens and Greinke just doing whatever he felt like at every moment? That’s vibes.
Detroit: Javy Báez
It’s only a matter of time before Javier Báez steals the soul of an AL Central franchise. Only a matter of time.
Cleveland: Myles Straw
Yes, I’m a prisoner of the moment. But if you climb the fence at Yankee Stadium to cuss out Yankees fans, you’ve earned me as your captive.
Chicago (AL): Joe Kelly
Of course.
Texas: Marcus Semien
Marcus Semien got slighted in a bunch of contract negotiations and responded by becoming one of the most effective players in the game. Corey Seager has sneaky-bad vibes. Semien’s are phenomenal.
Anaheim: Shohei Ohtani
It may seem cliché, but Ohtani is a long, long way from jumping any sort of shark.
Oakland: Tony Kemp
Happy, fun, rocks the green and yellow. The A’s and the Orioles are long-lost sisters.
Houston: Martín Maldonado
The Astros don’t have a lot going for them in the way of vibes. Most of their players elicit a general feeling of nausea followed by internal debate on the merits of extrajudicial justice. Maldonado’s about the best thing they have going.
Seattle: Chris Flexen
I’ll be honest. I don’t know much about Flexen. I googled him to make sure he didn’t have any domestic violence or anything like that on his record and saw something about him having fiery emotions? Had no idea. Much like the Mariners as a whole, Flexen is quietly solid up there and none of us south or east of Spokane have any reason to care. Brand consistency is important.
