Well, bad news, everybody. I wasn’t able to obtain access to a brigade of child actors. Hopefully, we can still salvage a sliver of enjoyment from this.
My idea was to throw eggs at kids. It was going to be billed as a new pastime called, “kidding.” You go to a school, you wait for the bell to ring at the end of the day, and when everyone’s walking out to their moms or their dads or whoever drives the minivan in broken homes, you pelt them in the face with eggs. *insert video clip after video clip of children getting domed by raw, shattering, yolky vessels of chicken life* It doesn’t matter if the kids are rich or poor. It doesn’t matter if the kids are Black or white. Preschoolers, high schoolers, fourth graders—all of them, gettin’ hit in the face and occasionally the shirt and/or hair with thrown eggs.
How would this end? Well, the cops would show up, I assume. But here’s the thing about cops: They can’t stop you. Not if you’re throwing eggs at kids! Nope, the cops can’t stop a good egg-throwing session, because if they do, all you have to do is tell them what you’re doing: You’re just kidding, after all.
