Jumbotrons are nothing but trouble. Texas once used jumbotron size as a platform to one-up little brother, a taunt some say helped drive Texas A&M out of the Big 12. Aaron Rodgers once used the jumbotron at Raymond James Stadium to beat the Buccaneers, a development some say helped drive Pat McAfee to become responsible for 85% of ESPN’s content. Billions upon billions of dollars have been spent on jumbotrons over the years, their constant rise a testament to just how much football fans always want to watch the game on TV, even when they are in the stadium.
One of the biggest issues jumbotrons present their owners is the pressure to use them. It’s sitting right there. Why not plug in the HDMI cord? When I lived in Minneapolis, I could see Target Field’s jumbotron from my apartment window. They showed movies on that thing. There are times—say, 81 minutes before kickoff—when there is nothing to put on the jumbotron, but you still have the jumbotron, you know? So over you go to YouTube dot com, and considering anyone in from the tailgates that early is a big huge nerd, you cue up some trivia.
Jumbotrons are nothing but trouble.
A post-Week 8 vibe check, from the worst college football vibes to the best:
Michigan State
You know the families where one kid’s a huge fuckup and the other is an Eddie Haskell? Imagine the Eddie Haskell getting caught for something, anything, and the fuckup then coming home from school and announcing they’d received a detention for accidentally drawing a swastika on a chalkboard while trying to graph a hyperbola in math class. Then, imagine the fuckup having uncontrollable diarrhea all over the kitchen floor, slipping, landing in it, going to take a shower, and falling down the stairs, flipping over and over and leaving diarrhea outlines of their body in various places on the steps, like a preschooler using their hand to paint a Thanksgiving “turkey” on construction paper.
That was how Saturday went for Michigan State.
Clemson
The deaths of dynasties are funny because they take forever to stop happening. Nebraska’s dynasty has been dying for almost 25 years. The Yankees’ has been dying for a similar period despite winning a World Series title in the midst of the decline. A team loses, and the dynasty is pronounced dead, and then we all scramble because what if we’re wrong, and then the team loses again, and then we all scramble to ask about a comeback, and then the team loses again, and at that point it’s not “Wow, the dynasty is over” but rather “Wow, these guys just keep falling further and further and further.” I don’t know when you reach the apex and become Yale, a former dynasty, but Clemson’s nowhere close. We are embarking upon years and years of realizing Clemson’s floor is lower than we previously thought.
Caleb Williams
Remember that report saying Caleb Williams wanted to be a partial owner of whatever team drafted him, the implication being he’d return to college if he didn’t get historic treatment from the NFL? I hope that wasn’t true. I hope it wasn’t accurate that Caleb Williams himself thought he was so much greater than even Trevor Lawrence and Joe Burrow that he could try to reshape the entire NFL in his own image. If it was true, boy oh boy, should Caleb Williams have picked a better place to transfer.
Did you know Caleb Williams is 4–7 lifetime against ranked competition? And that the four wins came against a Texas team that finished 5–7, Oregon in an Alamo Bowl, UCLA, and Drew Pyne’s Notre Dame?
The realization that Patrick Mahomes’s teams stunk in college did a great disservice to this sport.
Penn State
As is often the case, Penn State is good. Penn State is not bad. Penn State is not, however, great, and Penn State was hoping they would be great. It would be fun for Penn State to be great. Instead? Good. Merely good. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel good to be good.
North Dakota
Similar to Penn State here, honestly. North Dakota was so excited after pounding North Dakota State. Then they ran into UNI, and the Fighting Hawks scored zero points. Not a one! Not a single point.
At least it was a fun week.
Holy Cross
There are a lot of bad things about what happened to Holy Cross on Saturday. One is that “Lafayette Leopards” sounds like the fakest name in the world. One is that Matt Sluka set some sort of rushing record and the Saders still lost. One is that Harvard losing to Princeton dug the hole even deeper in Holy Cross’s playoff dreams. None of those is all that bad individually, but collectively, Holy Cross went from “Hey, maybe we’re a football school” to “We are a liberal arts college on the East Coast” in the span of 22 short days.
San Diego State
San Diego State lost 6–0 to previously winless Nevada on Saturday, and I doubt too many people in San Diego care, but I also think a lot more people would care if San Diego State wasn’t doing things like losing 6–0 to previously winless Nevada. Remember when San Diego State had just made the NCAA T********t’s Final Four and thought it was getting a Pac-12 invite? San Diego State was about to have an athletic department. Instead, they have this. Back to the skate park it is, then.
The NEC
Speaking of apathy.
Jon Rothstein reported today that Merrimack and Sacred Heart are going to be moving from the NEC to the MAAC. First, yes, this will work out. Sacred Heart is the Pioneers. Merrimack is the Warriors. Both of those names will fit into the league which includes the Golden Griffins, Broncs, Gaels, Saints, Purple Eagles, Red Foxes, and a half-dozen more charmingly identified creatures. Pioneers and Warriors don’t move the needle too far, but that’s the point. The MAAC is full of things you meet in a fairy tale, and it is set to continue that way. No boring Wildcats here.
Second, you never want to be the rest of the country’s feeder league. That’s how you end up playing non-MACtion, non-Fun Belt football on Tuesday and Wednesday nights.
Third, you never want Merrimack to be ditching you. Not that there’s anything wrong with Merrimack, but Merrimack just joined Division I a few years ago. I’m not even sure they’re through the transition yet. (I really thought it was five years, but I’m seeing four? Maybe it’s different for different sports.) Merrimack treated the NEC like that foyer-ish thing on a spaceship in the movies.
Tennessee
What’s tough for Tennessee about Saturday is that I don’t think many people noticed. I don’t think people noticed that Tennessee went up 13–0 and led 20–7 at the half. Tennessee was holding the old bully in a headlock and looking around the playground, hoping someone would say, “WHOA, LOOK AT TENNESSEE!” But no one did. Because no one really thinks of the old bully as the bully right now. Playgrounds move fast, Tennessee.
Oh and then the old bully got out of the headlock and now Tennessee’s shoes are full of dog shit. And the old bully made Tennessee fill those shoes itself.
North Carolina
The thing about UNC is I don’t think they know. I think UNC fans live in a world where UNC either won on Saturday night or football doesn’t exist so it can’t matter that they lost. UNC fans are so used to being embarrassed—by their school’s ethics, by their teams’ performance, by the rigidity of their students’ polos’ collars—that their response to UNC losing to one of the worst of many bad Virginia teams is, “You sure about that?” As though the score of a football game is a subjective thing. UNC lives in a post-truth society, and that lands them in a happier place than even Tennessee, who did a very normal Tennessee thing.
Texas/Oklahoma, or Oklahoma/Texas?
I really can’t decide who had the better almost–awful weekend here. I think Oklahoma? Because their disaster would have been less bad? But then I think Texas, because there was a point during that game when humongous numbers of Texas fans accepted a dreadful fate.
Both programs were spared. Oklahoma was spared from overtime by stopping a UCF two-point attempt in the closing minutes. Texas was spared from maybe going to overtime (Dana Holgorsen says it would have been a cataclysmic Longhorns defeat) by what was probably a bad spot by the officials. Both teams played badly and got away with it, and now they can chalk it up to rust and the Red River Hangover while they try to get those quiet, persistent doubts out of their minds.
Iowa
No, no, no. That was a win for Iowa.
The worst thing Iowa could have done for itself would have been to enter the Big Ten Championship 11–1 and ranked 25th in the country (one spot behind Georgia State) because no one took them seriously. They would have then lost by 45 points. Now, they get to be part of a big fun Big Ten West tiebreaker mess and they can blame all their problems on referees and Brian Ferentz. Iowa fans are living their dream right now. Iowa fans are bathing in Everclear.
Ohio State
Honestly, respect to Ohio State. They just got one of the best wins anyone in the country’s scored all year, and they already had another of the best wins anyone in the country’s scored all year, and my impression is that a whole lot of Ohio State fans are still grumbling about how Kyle McCord isn’t measuring up to C.J. Stroud and Justin Fields, and how that means he sucks and they’re in deep trouble when they play Michigan. That’s the kind of refusal to enjoy something great which leads to dominance in life. Warren Buffett didn’t get super rich by enjoying that he was rich.
Utah
*Imagining Caleb Williams having a great NFL career, leading a franchise from irrelevance to the cusp of a Super Bowl having steadily improved and never given the haters reason to criticize him. Imagining him then losing 48–2 to the Falcons in the NFC Championship and getting sacked eighteen times. Imagining him then looking across the sideline, seeing the Falcons’ head coach remove his face-altering makeup, and realizing he’s been playing against Kyle Whittingham and Utah again. Imagining Kyle Whittingham rolling his hips in a circle like he’s swinging some big ol’ nuts around.*
Alabama
Speaking of cojones, you know how Nick Saban likes Deez Nuts jokes? I wonder if Tennessee knows who sponsors the stadium where they hold the Duke’s Mayo Bowl. (It’s BofA. For real!)
Florida State
To give you an idea of what Florida State did on Saturday: We had a conversation earlier today about Notre Dame’s schedule, and it came up that their best hope at having beaten a ranked team, when the year’s said and done, is Duke. Not USC. Not Clemson. Duke. Credit to Florida State for pulling away. Somehow, struggling with Duke for much of the game and then escaping with a triumphant victory is now an indication of a legitimate top-ten team.
Miami (Florida)
A reasonable reaction to Miami’s win over Clemson on Saturday would be relief and a little bit of encouragement after a really deflating month so far.
Miami’s reaction to Miami’s win over Clemson on Saturday is presumably to think the College Football Playoff committee won’t count the Georgia Tech loss because of the kneeldown debacle, giving them the benefit of the doubt because they’re Miami. Miami’s reaction to Miami’s win is probably to start figuring out who they’ll play in the Sugar Bowl.
Honestly, I can see why they do it. That second one is way more fun.
Miami (Ohio)
You think anyone at Miami Ohio cares about Toledo? Or about football?
Austin Peay
The FCS’s official Twitter account is goofy, and this is one of its goofier tweets. I’m not sure I can explain why, but my best attempt is that like many FCS tweets, it implies it’s referencing something everyone understands, like an NFL tweet about the Tush Push. Where it gets funny is that not a lot of people understand it. Not even fans of FCS football. I follow FCS football more closely than upwards of 99% of college football fans. I’m part of this tweet’s intended audience. I had no idea Austin Peay’s locker room celebrations were noteworthy in any way. I’m not sure they are! I think the FCS social media manager is trying to have the whole conversation themselves. I think that’s the right move—give people the impression we have little FCS jokes all the FCS fans get—but it sure is funny to encounter organically.
Anyway, wild win for Austin Peay over Southern Utah on Saturday. Real exciting stuff from a real good FCS team. Looks like a good time afterwards in the locker room.
Michigan
And with the best vibes of the week:
(Probably should’ve put Florida State here, but oh well, here we are.)
Michigan.
Yeah, they were spying. And you know what? They don’t care, it’ll take the NCAA years to do anything about it, and they’ve got the easiest response in the world cued up and ready to go, which is to say that the rule they broke is dumb and they’re sorry not everyone was breaking it. Then, they ask: Why’s everybody talking about it, anyway? Why aren’t more people talking about how Michigan State used to think they’d swung this rivalry into their favor? Also, you think Penn State or Ohio State’s going to beat Michigan? This Michigan team? This Michigan team that’s stomping like a drum/dance stage production popular with middle school music teachers when they want to show a video instead of planning a lesson?
That’s what they’re asking.
It’s higher than 50/50 that one of those teams does beat Michigan, but that’s what they’re asking.
And they’re having a really good time asking it.
