It is now July.
July is a month. It’s a month and it happens in the middle of the year, or as close to the middle as you can get because of that whole even-number-of-months deal. It’s 31 days long, tying it for the longest month, alongside its friends January, March, August, and October, and its sworn enemy, December.
Now that the basics are covered, let’s talk about what we (I) like and don’t like about July:
Like: Pretty good weather
You know what you’re going to get in July. It can be rainy and cool in June, but in July, you get heat and some storms and not a whole lot else. At least, that’s what I tell myself, and then I take whatever happens as confirmation of that prior belief.
Dislike: Sweat
This isn’t as bad now that I live in Texas, because everyone is sweating here. But back in the Midwest, July was a bad look for a young man with active sweat glands.
Like: The Fourth of July
It’s just one day, but it’s a good day. There is food. There are fireworks (hopefully handled safely by professionals—don’t tempt the fates, those things can destroy you). It’s acceptable to eat an entire package of those store-bought sugar cookies with the thick frosting and sprinkles, or at least you don’t get noticed doing it because you’re just grabbing two every time you go to the food table at your neighbor’s party. It messes up the vacation policies of Corporate America by throwing an off day into the middle of the week 42% of the time, creating unofficial off days and a line between those who nobly take vacation those days anyway, those who turn their computer on twice at home and say they worked, and those who come into the office and read The Barking Crow while eating Potbelly.
Dislike: Canada Day
I’m fully onboard with Canada getting a day. Every country deserves a day. But they placed it three days away from ours? Really? It’s like how they created their own Thanksgiving a month early.
Canada Day should be in October, in place of Canadian Thanksgiving. It should be a day when the leaves are all pretty colors and hockey’s about to start and it’s cold enough to eat pancakes for breakfast and poutine for all other meals. If they want a July holiday, they can celebrate the Fourth of July in recognition of the country that made Britain realize it would be better to just let its colonies go when they asked rather than spending a lot of money getting young men killed.
Like: Bastille Day
I’m agnostic towards France.
Yes, I know what agnostic means, and no, I’m not using it incorrectly.
I’m not sure France exists.
But every July, someone reminds me that Bastille Day is happening, and as a person inclined towards supporting chaos, I get a little excited. I’m told the storming of the Bastille was a big moment in the French Revolution, and while I’m generally against decapitation, I have some admiration for an event that was chaotic in its own right (they stormed a prison!) and also led to things like Napoleon trying to invade Russia and Russia saying come and take it and Napoleon realizing they burned Moscow and he was stranded in Russia and Napoleon being exiled on an island and Napoleon coming back from that island and rising to power and Napoleon getting beat and getting exiled again and ABBA’s song Waterloo.
*waiting for you to finish watching the ABBA video*
Like: The MLB Trade Deadline
Rumors come from everywhere. There’s hope. There’s anger. There’s frustration. There’s elation. It’s like a night out at a bar in college (I’d imagine), but it comes in the middle of the week and at its best results in someone getting removed from a game in the third inning.
Dislike: The MLB Trade Deadline
More trades are happening in August these days, and as teams start to realize how much more valuable young talent is than old talent (per dollar), it at least feels like there aren’t as many big trades. I don’t know if that’s actually a trend, but it’s my perception, so good luck convincing me otherwise. It’s like the weather. I’m only human.
Like: That summer sweet spot
June is only the beginning of summer. School isn’t out everywhere in the country. It isn’t always all that warm yet. Hockey is still happening. Everyone’s figuring out their own little summer routine.
August is filled with hope and dread of what’s to come. School is resuming. Fall will approach soon. Football talk heats up. Labor Day plans are made. The month is one big goodbye and another big hello.
But July is pure, unfiltered summer. If there’s school happening, it’s technically child abuse. Everyone’s got their summer routine down. You come back from the Fourth of July and there are weeks left to just enjoy summertime in its purest form. Your neighbor’s dad finally filled up the above-ground pool. There’s enough time to start an ambitious wiffleball league. Everyone takes a vacation, so there are no expectations in the working world. Life is good.
Dislike: Vacation messes with me
Yeah, big work guy over here. But actually, vacation throws me off. I get knocked off the blog routine. I have to pack, which means I have to either do laundry or throw milk-stained clothes into a duffel bag. I have to spend a lot of time around other people, which is inherently stressful. Nobody wants to talk about Joe Kelly as much as I do.
I mean, yes, I like a lot of things about vacation, but there are some negatives.
Like: What vacation does for America
It’s way more acceptable to eat at McDonald’s during vacation season. The coke even tastes better, because it’s hot outside. Cracker Barrel is booming. People are better-rested, so they’re a little nicer. We all occasionally get lost in what we’re doing and forget social media exists, so people are a lot nicer. Some little kid manages to nourish himself on hot dogs and hot dogs alone for eight days. Even if you aren’t on vacation yourself, people assume you are, so no one notices if you’re antisocial.
***
We take the good with the bad. But on the whole, July stacks up well. Here’s the scoreboard:
Pretty good weather (+5)
Sweat (-2)
The Fourth of July (+1776)
Canada Day (-1765)
Bastille Day (+1, with 2 more bonus points for ABBA)
MLB Trade Deadline (+2)
MLB Trade Deadline (-1)
Summer (+8)
Vacation, the negatives (-4)
Vacation, the positives (+4)
Total: +26.
Pretty good score for a month.
