Scene: Citi Field
Cast: Paul Rudd as Joey Lucchesi. Steve Buscemi as Umpire #2. Joe West as himself.
Joe West: Hat, please.
*Joey Lucchesi gives Joe West his hat.*
Joe West: Belt, please.
*Joey Lucchesi gives Joe West his belt.*
Joe West (*eyes narrowing*): Glove, please.
*Joey Lucchesi gives Joe West his glove.*
*Joe West turns away.*
Joey Lucchesi: What are you doing?
Joe West: Hey! I’m the star here. Wait your turn, kid.
*Lucchesi steps back, looking uneasy.*
Umpire #2: What’s taking so long, boss? Need me to check it?
*Umpire #2 grabs Lucchesi’s glove, but it’s stuck to West’s hand. West places his other hand on the glove. The stick grows more intense. Umpire #2 recoils, horrified. West begins to chuckle.*
West, quietly, to himself: Oh, we got him. We got him now.
Umpire #2: Boss! You can’t do that to a guy? They’ve got cameras!
West: You think they’ve got cameras, buddy? You watch replay reviews and tell me there are cameras on these games? If there were cameras, those white armbands would’ve worked. I’d be on the endangered species right now if there were cameras.
Umpire #2: But it’s not right!
West: We need to catch somebody, pal. We need to catch somebody!
Umpire #2: They won’t believe you, though! He’ll tell them you planted it!
West: Has that changed anything before? Cops do this shit all the time, buddy. And besides, if my daddy taught me anything, it’s that America hates Italians.
Umpire #2: Boss, I don’t know about th—
*West turns away, demonstratively ejects Lucchesi. Armed guards wearing white armbands descend upon the pitcher. Steve Cohen is shown in the press box, looking confused (can use archived footage for this, save some money on the casting).*
West: YERRRR OUTTA HERE!!!!!
Lucchesi: This isn’t right, Joe!
West: CALL ME MISTER UMPIRE!
*Umpire #2 is jogging away now, down the third base line. Tears are in his eyes.*
Lucchesi: This isn’t right!!!!
*The army of white-armbanded security hoists Lucchesi upon their shoulders. Rob Manfred is shown salivating in a dark room, flicking his dumb little tongue over his dumb little teeth (can use archived footage for this, too). The camera zooms in on the eyes of Joe West, mad with power.*
Joe West: Well, what’s everybody doing? PLAY BALL!!!!!!!!
*Screen cuts to black.*
