*SERIOUS JOE KELLY POST ALERT*
Ok, everyone’s got their game face on. Good job, guys. You handled that alert well.
At some point, likely during either this presidential administration or the next, the MLB lockout will end. And when it does, Joe Kelly will find a team willing to pay him a lot of money to go pitch for them. I’m excited for it. You’re excited for it. The world is excited for it. One day, hopefully by February, Joe Kelly will sign, and the earth will know peace once more. The lion will lie down with the lamb, and Joe Kelly will strike both their asses out.
With whom, though, will he sign?
I debated whether to do categories or rankings here, ultimately deciding on rankings so I wouldn’t have to run the risk of being wrong with my “He’s not going to this team” category. I won’t be doing rankings back to front, though. I’m doing them front to back. Likeliest teams first. This, again, is a serious Joe Kelly post.
1. Los Angeles Dodgers
Presumably, the Dodgers bought Joe Kelly out because they thought he was worth more money than they were set to pay him, and they didn’t want to take advantage of an historic talent like that. Even if that isn’t the case, a reunion makes a lot of sense. Our guy’s become a big part of that bullpen, they have the money to throw around on relievers, reunions are often the most likely eventuality.
2. Anaheim Angels
The team that almost drafted Joe Kelly but got scared away because he drunkenly told them he was going to cost way more than he actually cost (not cool of MLB to schedule the draft for when our guy was celebrating his birthday), the Angels also have money to burn, they’re a little desperate, and they wouldn’t require Kelly to move. Great combination. Also, a lot of people have been saying that Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani and Anthony Rendon are great in supporting roles but need one key player to build the team around. Joe Kelly is the obvious fit.
3. San Diego Padres
Again, Kelly’s family probably wouldn’t have to move, which might not break any deals but does hold added weight given he has three small kids and he and his wife are both from southern California. These guys rank behind the Angels because I think the Dodgers would spend a little more to keep Kelly out of the division. He knows their secrets.
4. Boston Red Sox
Great vibes, supportive/familiar environment, need good bullpen arms because they want to contend. If he’s going to leave SoCal, it makes sense to go somewhere familiar, and Boston’s more familiar than St. Louis.
5. UC Riverside Highlanders
Still has eligibility, I think. Dark horse.
