Russia’s nuclear arsenal has been in the news lately. A strange explosion followed by a still-unexplained spike in radiation levels, in the wake of Premier Putin’s 2018 boasts of advancements towards missiles capable of evading the United States’ most staunch missile defenses, have Russian weapons on people’s minds and lips.
But rest assured, Americans. The U.S.A. possesses a missile more lethal than anything produced on Russian soil. It measures over six feet in length. It weighs a reported 190 pounds. And it can throw a baseball 100 miles per hour.
Yes, whether the Pentagon has approached him about this or not, Joe Kelly’s right arm is America’s unsung counterweight to Russia’s escalating nuclear armament. And right now, the scales are tipping in our favor. Sure, Russia might be developing warheads that can scoot by those defense systems of ours, but you really think anything the neo-Soviets is capable of catching up to a Joe Kelly-hurled nuke? When the best baseball players in the world can’t catch up to his stuff? I’ve watched Miracle, and we managed to score four times on the commies. And that’s with hockey pucks that don’t move nearly as much as even a Joe Kelly sinker, let alone the knuckle curve.
Sleep easy tonight, America. Your security is in good hands.
You are hilarious!