It’s Opening Day. This means a lot of things, but for those of you who care about the important things in life, it means one thing more than the others:
Joe Kelly is back in action.
Yes, after five long months without seeing the slender, flame-throwing, wild-eyed reliever pump 100-mph heat past hitters only to bring them to their knees with fluttering offspeed, Joe Kelly returns to meaningful baseball today.
He’s still the same guy he was last year, I assume, but he does have a World Series now, and he’s making a lot more money. He also hurt his back during spring training, and he hurt it boiling crawfish, which is the way we would want Joe Kelly to hurt his back.
He’s fine now, though, and if the fates allow, sometime later today he’ll jog out of the bullpen wearing number 17 in his Dodgers debut.
Now, if you’re new to Joe Kelly, whether that’s because you’re a Dodgers fan trying to forget 2018 or you’ve just never thought too much about Kelly before, here’s the scoop:
- He throws hard (100 miles per hour! Sometimes more!)
- He strikes people out (especially in October)
- He won the National Anthem a couple times when he was younger
- He’s not afraid to throw hands
- He throws hard (can’t say this enough)
- He’s handsome
- He throws really hard (again, 100+ miles per hour)
With that, the baseball season (the Joe Kelly season, let’s be honest) can begin.
Play ball.
Test comment
This motivated me to google videos for “Joe Kelly fasted pitch ever)