I’m writing this a few days ahead of time, because of reasons, so if there was Joe Kelly news since Friday morning, please forgive me for not mentioning it here.
We’ve gathered here, on the pages of The Internet™, to celebrate a man always deserving but never in need of a celebration. A man with great hair. A man with a filthy knuckle curve.
That man is Joe Kelly, and tonight he begins his quest to bring the Dodgers the National League pennant. It’s forecast to be a successful quest. Joe Kelly’s really good, which means the Dodgers are also really good. But nothing is assured in life, so let’s pick out some potential obstacles so we know how to respond to them. Here’s what could go wrong:
In an attempt to own the libs and make the Dodgers lose, Texas Governor Greg Abbott could make it illegal by executive order to start batters with off-speed pitches.
I’d assume there’d be an injunction in this case, but we’ll need lawyers to get that injunction, so let’s get our lawyers ready, friends.
A meteor could hit Joe Kelly.
On the one hand, this might make him more powerful. But let’s not take any chances.
Two meteors could hit Joe Kelly.
Again, depending on the angle and timing of the collisions, this could work out, but Joe Kelly’s powerful enough as it is. No need to risk it.
Joe Kelly could walk too many batters.
Sometimes the game of cat-and-mouse goes wrong for the mouse. Sometimes, it goes wrong for the cat. If this happens, we need someone to hack into those umpire scorecards folks publish online and make it look like Joe Kelly was wronged.
Joe Kelly could get embroiled in some nonsense regarding Ronald Acuña Jr.’s being really exciting.
No, his heart wouldn’t be in it, but as with the Padres series, we don’t want Joe Kelly to tarnish his sterling reputation of only attacking those who deserve to be attacked. This is our greatest fear this series. Greater than the walks.
Joe Kelly could allow a home run.
This seems doubtful given the Warehouse at Arlington™’s play thus far and Joe Kelly’s general excellence. Still, we should be prepared to make the argument that when you throw as hard as Joe Kelly does, all batters really need to do is stick their bats in the right place and the ball will go five hundred feet. Anything less than that and the batters must stink.
Three meteors could hit Joe Kelly.
We do not have a plan for three or more meteors.
