Yesterday, in the midst of a dominant inning and a third in which he stranded an inherited runner, held one of baseball’s most traditionally prolific offensive franchises scoreless, and set his White Sox up for a Godsend of a victory as they try to hold onto the fringes of contention and keep all sorts of people employed, Joe Kelly disappeared. Joe Kelly—who has a better xERA than 95% of pitchers with twenty or more innings—talked to the umpires, scurried into the dugout, traversed the hallway to the clubhouse, and did *something* while well more than thirty thousand people waited. Then, he returned.
He was not pooping.
It turns out that our hero, Joe Kelly, the man with a better FIP than 89% of pitchers who’ve thrown twenty or more innings, has been wearing a leg brace. It was cutting off his circulation yesterday, so he asked the umpires if he could take it off, and the umpires—doubtlessly thrilled to converse with one of just fourteen active players with multiple World Series rings—said, “Sure thing, Mr. Kelly!”
He did not have to poop.
Had our hero, Joe Kelly, one of just 25 human beings on this earth to throw a baseball 101 mph or faster in an MLB game this season, had to poop? That would have also been ok. Even heroes like Joe Kelly, one of just ten human beings on this earth to throw an offspeed pitch 95 mph or faster in an MLB game this season, sometimes have to poop. In this case, though? In this case, Joe Kelly, who forces hitters to hit the ball more softly than 94% of his peers, did not have to poop.
He just had to take his leg brace off.
