It’s Joe Kelly Opening Day, which is to say the rest of the league is playing and Joe Kelly is not. Rob Manfred is behind this, I’m sure.
Our hero’s out with what I’m assuming is still fallout from the injury he heroically suffered while starting an NLCS game for the Dodgers last fall (a game the Dodgers won 11-2, people forget), but he’ll be back soon, and in the meantime, let’s answer your questions.
What Should We Expect from Joe Kelly?
Gas. Fun. Heroics. Drama (the good kind). Vibes (also the good kind). If the White Sox are going to win the World Series, a major confrontation with an opponent that may or may not be physical but will definitely end with people saying of Joe Kelly: Damn, that guy is cool. Nasty offspeed. Touches of wildness from time to time.
What’s the Injury?
It’s been described as a nerve issue, but the thing started with a biceps strain, but he also has other nerve issues in his past, so I’m not really positive. I haven’t been inside Joe Kelly’s arm to take a peek. Even if I was, I couldn’t tell what was going on. I’m not a doctor, and I doubt I could fit in there with a flashlight.
How Will Joe Kelly Fit on the White Sox?
We’d imagine Joe Kelly will fine-tune the White Sox’ chemistry, which is a dangerous proposition for the rest of the league, because the White Sox already have some vibe kings on their squad. What seems to have happened here is that the Sox’ front office had a great collection of vibes, accidentally dropped the Tony La Russa mustard gas bath bomb into the tub, and now Joe Kelly’s being added as a balm—a guy La Russa likes because he looks white and is into vengeance and the rest of the team likes because he’s got swagger and respects their own swagger.
Who Is Joe Kelly Most Likely to Embarrass This Year?
It’s Carlos Correa again, right? Maybe Gary Sánchez too, in a throwback crossover? Although it could also be Twins fans. We’re due for a national reckoning on how terrible Minnesota sports fans are. Have been for a long, long time. I lived in Minneapolis for two years and my takeaways were 1) that the city was lovely and cozy and blissfully unaware of the world around it and 2) that the sports fans were the worst, and not in a fun way. In an unfun way. Of the thirteen metro areas with all four major sports, Twin Cities fans are the worst ones, and that’s impressive because that list includes Rams fans, the Florida Panthers, Boston, and Arizona (where who knows what’s happening). I’m not saying Joe Kelly will go into the crowd, because he won’t because he’s a man of honor and it’s a long way up there from a baseball field, but don’t be surprised if some Twins fan lobs a Michelob Ultra at his head and tries to blame it on Aaron Rodgers or the Eagles (football team, not the band). Can’t wait.
