Lately, walking around Austin, I and many others have noticed something sticky. It’s been on my shoes. It’s been on my dog’s paws. It’s accumulated dirt, leaves, and unidentifiable mulch-originating objects, affixing them to the feet of all species and thereby granting free passage into our homes.
Because this stuff seems most prevalent under trees, I’ve been assuming it’s sap. Like pollen peaks or cricket peaks or rolling electrical blackouts, I’ve been assuming this is just one of those seasonal Texas things, and that I hadn’t noticed it in prior years because I either lived in a different neighborhood or didn’t have a dog or it just wasn’t as intense.
Turns out it’s seasonal, but it isn’t sap. It’s bug poop. Bugs are pooping all over us.
They’re aphids, specifically, per KUT. It’s the aphids who are pooping on us. It’s the aphids who are squatting in our trees, letting loose torrents of excrement, and laughing maniacally as it covers every object we hold dear. It’s the aphids who are shitting on our heads for sport. It’s the aphids.
Not only are the aphids taking massive craps on our skin and clothing and windshields, but they’re also making us look like fools. I’m guessing I’m not alone in sharing with my mother how my dog’s paws are sticky as fuck because “some tree must be shedding sap.” Now I have to call her back and tell her I was wrong. I have to tell her I lied. I have to tell her it wasn’t sap and it was bug shit and there’s bug shit all over everything and that I understand this means I have to say the Our Father 666 times because dishonesty arises from the devil and then I have to go find the world’s longest garden hose and locate a neighbor’s spigot and spray down the whole neighborhood to dissolve the sugary shit because evidently aphids’ diets are equivalent to those of an eight-year-old on Halloween.
Who eats aphids? Are there any super-invasive species who eat aphids? I’ll breed ‘em. I’ll breed the invasive species. It’s one thing to take a gigantic dump all over my shoes. It’s another to make me look like an idiot.
