It’s death-faking season, that space on the calendar when summer isn’t going the way someone planned so they try to vanish while the weather’s still warm. As Poor Richard’s Almanack said long ago, “If you’re going to fake your death, do it right before the kids go back to college.”
I used to tell people that if I faked my death, I’d go to Coeur d’Alene. It’s beautiful, it’s small, it’s on the interstate but also close to mountains so if I needed a fast escape or a sneaky escape I’d have options for either. No one wants to go there in the winter, it’s not a place everyone’s heard of, Glacier National Park isn’t all that far away and neither is the Canadian border, giving me plenty of opportunities to go off and stare into the abyss.
This was a ruse.
Coeur d’Alene is way too nice of a place to go if you’re going to fake your own death. My real plan was Moscow, Idaho, where rent was cheaper and the town was used to college kids. Then last winter, some asshole had to go do a quadruple murder in Moscow. Blew up the spot. Arguably the second-worst thing about those murders.
So, here are other good places to go if you’re faking your death. Thank me later (just send me a blank postcard from one of the places with no return address, please).
Chinle, Arizona
At the heart of Navajo Nation, at the mouth of Canyon de Chelly, evidently not the boyhood home of Jacoby Ellsbury (I’ve had that wrong for almost a decade now), Chinle is a hard place to get to, a hard place to live, quite beautiful, and grim enough that if someone ever tracked you down you could have the so–you–faked–your–death conversation in front of a spectacularly barren desert sunset. Also, the governmental complexities of the reservation system make me think forging a birth certificate might be more doable here.
Montpelier, Vermont
Fake your death, and people will look for you in Maine. People will not necessarily look for you in Vermont, though, and especially not in the capital. They’ll expect you up in Burlington or maybe over in Shelburne, working for the Teddy Bear Factory to make yourself a more sympathetic character. Unless they really don’t know Vermont, I guess. Then, they might go to the one place they’re heard of. Also? Maybe don’t show anybody this list. Probably not a good idea to show anybody this list. That’s bad for our pageviews—we get a lot of website traffic from you sharing these with your friends—but if you want to fake your death, this is one to innocently move on from (after either internalizing these ten places or making a hand-written list you MAKE SURE to not leave behind).
Eureka, California
First off, you have to get here by way of San Francisco. San Francisco seems like it has a thriving forged documents industry if you can earn enough trust to access its services. Once you’ve done the forging, though, go to Eureka. Like all of these places, it is difficult to get to and not spectacularly nice. You do get the ocean, though, and it’s not *not* nice. You could spend your life in Eureka pretty happily. Plenty do.
Lafayette, Louisiana
Do you need a nice place? Have you learned your lesson about why Coeur d’Alene is a bad idea? Lafayette is a nice town and they will not look here I promise you they will not look here. Also, Louisiana has its secrets. You don’t have that many swamps without developing secrets and the capacity to hold them.
Del Rio, Texas
If you need to be on the Mexican border, I’d suggest Del Rio over McAllen or Eagle Pass. I think Del Rio is the move. I think that mostly because I think Piedras Negras gets more attention than Acuña. I could be wrong, but I *think* Piedras Negras–Eagle Pass is a bigger crossing point than Acuña–Del Rio, and while you don’t want the smallest crossing, you also don’t want to ever be in a focal point.
Amarillo, Texas
Staying in Texas but going about four hundred miles north, Amarillo is western Oklahoma and it’s sneaky big, clocking in at just over two hundred thousand people in the city proper. You can vanish in a town like that.
Superior, Wisconsin
They expect you in Marquette, and I think they’d ask too many questions in Duluth. Superior gives you the Great Lakes without being so close to the border or in so nice a place as to be a spot people would look.
Charleston, West Virginia
They don’t ask questions in Charleston.
Sidney, Montana
Montana is a trite place to go if you’ve just faked your own death, but because of that, your loved ones (or those chasing you) will only look for your new self in the western half of the state. Eastern Montana is western North Dakota, and the fracking boom brought enough people to Williston, just up a couple roads from Sidney, that they’re used to newcomers around here. Stay away from Glendive and Miles City, those are trafficked enough to arouse suspicion from locals, but I *think* you could sneak into life in Sidney.
Fresno, California
They’re not going to look in Fresno.
Choose Your Own Adventure
This is messed up but honestly I think going to a bigger town with a ton of opioid deaths would probably work well. Don’t really want to dwell on that, but I think it would work. Another plan would be to flee the country, but you could get wrapped up in dangerous stuff going that route. One example? The syrup trade. Hawaii would be interesting but I don’t think it’s plausible. Alaska would require either passing through Canada or successfully getting on a plane or boat. If you’re passing through Canada, stay, and if you’re planing or boating, that puts all sorts of other places on the table which we don’t want to worry about. (Monhegan Island, for example, would be a fascinating place to go try to eke out an existence if you just faked your death. Also, the boat ride over would be moving. A bunch of day-trippers and you, little old you, here to start a new life among the puffins.) Send me those unmarked postcards if you think of others, though. Really? Just send me unmarked postcards. I would love to receive unmarked postcards, whether you faked your death or not.
