Is Dick Cheney Up to Something?

Earlier this week, we told you about our friend who had to cancel his trip to Hawaii. His name’s Josh, and he comments here kind of regularly, so readers might be familiar with him conceptually, if not visually.

Well, it’s about to get visual.

Last night, I received a text from this friend. The following conversation ensued:

Josh: What’s shakin, bacon

Stu: Just the dregs, eggs
Stu: (I don’t fully know what dregs means what’s up friend?)

Josh: Oh nothing. Just looking through my mail.

Stu: Your mail!

Josh: My mail

Stu: Your chain mail?
Stu: *GIF of a cat wearing a box like it’s a turtle shell*
Stu: (I couldn’t find a chainmail gif but that came up for armor)
Stu: You get anything good?

Josh: *loved (I couldn’t find a chainmail gif but that came up for armor)*
Josh: What do you think? Did I get anything good?

Stu: I feel like you’re being pointed about something but I’m struggling to think of what it could be

Josh: *sends the following two pictures*

For what it’s worth, the edited-out piece of the letter is the url of a website where you can ship people glitter.

Josh overestimated me. I did not send him the bacon costume. I share a bank account with someone who contributes more money to that bank account than I do, which means my just-for-laughs budget is rather low these days (really need to do a merch refresh soon). But who, then, did send Josh the bacon?

I brought it to the braintrust. Here’s what we came up with:

1. They signed the letter as shipyourenemiesglitter.com, meaning they are either a website or a coward.
2. They sent bacon, meaning they think Josh is a vegan, so they are likely a jerk AND a coward.
3. They used mail, meaning they probably are over the age of 60.
4. It is nowhere near Halloween, so they have a poor sense of time.

Based on all of this…

It’s Dick Cheney.

He checks every box.

The implications here are sizable. Josh lives in Portland, and to our knowledge has no direct connection to Cheney (I’m counting three degrees of separation). One would imagine, then, that Cheney has not just sent this to Josh. These must be going out to people all over Portland. An egg costume here. A biscuit costume there. A coffee costume somewhere else. Dick Cheney, we can only assume, is assembling a costumed breakfast in the Pacific Northwest’s second city, and it’s our job to get that breakfast put together before it spoils.

So.

If you’ve received a breakfast-related costume from Dick Cheney in the mail recently and you’re in Portland, please contact us so I can put you in touch with Josh.