Individual Cubs as Fox Valley Conference Schools

I had a revelation recently that a certain player on the Cubs is the embodiment of a high school in my high school’s conference. He is that high school, but in human form, and much better at the game of baseball. So I had to do every school, then, of course. Past and present. But if you get bored, just go to the last one. That’s the one that started it.

Dundee-Crown: Javy Báez

Charles Kimbrough was not the best athlete I’ve ever seen in the Fox Valley Conference. Far from it. The FVC is a terrible boys basketball league.

But.

I’m not sure there’s been another athlete in my time knowing the Fox Valley Conference with as much swagger as Charles Kimbrough. I mean the guy was on the cover of the paper holding his child on his shoulders after a big win. As a high schooler!

Anyway I always think of Charles Kimbrough when I think of Dundee-Crown and I can’t think of any school in the league who deserves Báez more, so let’s give him to them.

Huntley: Kris Bryant

Much like Huntley High School, you have to respect the resources Kris Bryant is working with. Much like Huntley High School’s students (or most of the ones I knew), Bryant seems like a nice guy. But in each case, do we really know that? It seems like there’s something not entirely real there.

Crystal Lake South: Anthony Rizzo

If you had to pick a school at random in the FVC and hope for a normal conversation from a randomly selected student, I think South would be your best bet. The most personable, I’d opine. Like Rizzo. Just a big ol’ goober who wants to have some fun. Competent. Not trying too hard.

Johnsburg: Willson Contreras

Johnsburg always seemed to make the rest of the conference uncomfortable. There was a lot going on there. Definitely the most likely to heinously offend. Or get heinously offended. And meaningfully, the most likely to actually do something about either. I got punched in the face by a kid from Johnsburg in a freshman basketball B-game once. And the best part was he’d played all but two minutes in the A-game but his coach wouldn’t start him in that one so he could also play the B-game, and I don’t think this was because of any rule. I think the coach was just trying to pull a fast one on us while pretending to follow some perceived etiquette.

Prairie Ridge: Nico Hoerner

Sorry, Nico Hoerner, but somebody had to be Prairie Ridge, and you’re somebody. Pretty boy. Nerdy boy. Smooth boy. Good but is he actually good because I don’t feel like I really trust him. Maybe not as expensive as some others, but definitely the most expensive-feeling. Seems like he always had the trendy bat growing up.

Crystal Lake Central: Ian Happ

Is he blue collar? Is he not? Is he blue collar? Is he not?

Cary-Grove: Craig Kimbrel

Kris Bryant, but not made in a lab. Made authentically. And seems, of everyone on the roster, the most likely to know his way around a ski jump.

Woodstock: Jason Heyward

Specifically, Jason Heyward feels like Woodstock circa 2012. I’m sad each didn’t work out.

McHenry: Jake Arrieta

High highs, notice-evading lows.

Grayslake Central: Kyle Hendricks

A force when he’s there, but feels like he could leave at any moment even if we don’t talk about him leaving. Also, no idea what’s going on inside. Was Grayslake Central the best school in the league? Maybe. Were they cool? Possibly. We really don’t know. Total black box over there across the county line.

Lake Zurich: Zach Davies

I don’t know what’s going on there either, exactly, but I think it’s good right now?

Woodstock North: Alec Mills

He’s trying his best, guys.

Grayslake North: P.J. Higgins

Some value there, but only theoretically.

Burlington Central: David Bote

Glad you have him around.

Hampshire: Eric Sogard

Bummed you have him around.

Jacobs: Joc Pederson

This was, as you may have guessed, the impetus for this post. There’s no way someone treading the line that clumsily between clownishness and swagger is not going to be equated to Jacobs High School. That’s Jacobs’s entire existence. Joc Pederson: You are Harry D.