I, like the rest of you, saw the Alcatraz news yesterday and reacted positively. Firstly, because Alcatraz is cool, but secondly, because I agree that things like this are our best realistic hope for how Donald Trump might use his time.
Today, I’m having second thoughts.
Let me explain.
As established, Alcatraz is cool. So cool, in fact, that tourists sometimes spend upwards of one hundred dollars to tour it. One hundred dollars is a lot of money. There are a lot of true crime freaks out there. Are we to expect none of them to see this news and think, “Great! Now, instead of spending upwards of one hundred dollars to tour Alcatraz, I can live out a full Alcatraz experience for free! All I have to do is kill a teenager who’s trying to buy drugs!”?
Then, there are the escape artists. We’ve spent decades hyping up Alcatraz. Everyone from MythBusters to Guitar Hero 3 has contributed to the legend of the island prison, with a lot of that focus revolving around escape attempts. Where have we landed, as a scientific society and Guitar Hero 3? It’s probably possible, but damn would it be hard.
Does that not sound like an invitation to aspiring Houdinis? Will they not uniformly begin to kill teenagers who are trying to buy drugs?
Based on these concerns, I am at this time unable to conscientiously endorse the reopening of Alcatraz. I urge President Trump to reconsider. Maybe he can reopen Azkaban instead. We’ve been taking it too easy on wizards who kill teenagers who are trying to buy drugs.
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