The Supreme Court and the College Football Playoff committee are basically the same thing. They both meet in fancy rooms. They both receive a lot of gifts. They’re both charged with making impactful decisions. Those decisions are subjective for both. They’re both suspected of making those subjective, impactful decisions in a way that’s most objectively impactful for their monied supporters. They’re both traditionally staffed by old white guys.
So, in an ambitious crossover event, we’ve commandeered the thoughts of all nine Supreme Court justices to find out who *they* think should make the College Football Playoff if the Texas vs. Alabama doomsday scenario comes to pass.
Neil Gorsuch
The instructions we are given say to choose the four best teams. They do not say to choose the four most deserving. Based on the best available objective measures of raw ability, all three of Michigan, Georgia, and Alabama must be in the playoff. For the fourth team, one might argue on behalf of Ohio State, but that one would be forgetting the accomplishments of the Carlisle Indian Industrial School, the most successful college football team no longer actively playing. The instructions we are given make no mention of choosing a *current* college football team. Therefore, my vote is for Carlisle.
Sonia Sotomayor
When the conferences established the College Football Playoff, they could not have foreseen scenarios like ours, in which the participants have résumés not neatly sorted by available rules. Mindful of this, they established the College Football Playoff as a living tournament, one capable of changing depending on the circumstance of the season. To begin, then, we must be mindful of the differing opportunities afforded to each of these teams. Texas may have beaten Alabama head-to-head, but what about Kansas, who was given no chance to play Alabama in direct competition? What about Division III schools, many of whom have players who were given no opportunity to play Division I football? The only justifiable solution is to expand the playoff to include all American football teams. I fear what will happen to this sport if we don’t.
Samuel Alito
Whereas it is impossible to decide participants in the College Football Playoff without a review of the rules under which these teams have achieved their wins and losses, and whereas our founding fathers intended American football to be a sport in which our bravest young men slammed their heads into one another’s in pursuit of glory, and whereas the current ruling bodies of the sport have—without legal jurisdiction—forbidden helmet-to-helmet contact through a penalty named “targeting,” we must first strike down the targeting foul, reinstating each man’s individual liberty to emulsify his own brain and the brain of his opponent with the cutting-edge polycarbonate helmet he wears upon his head.
Elena Kagan
You should probably just leave Florida State out. Blame it on the Jordan Travis injury.
Clarence Thomas
Much of this debate has centered around which of Alabama and Texas should be granted entry to the College Football Playoff. Conspicuously absent from the discussion, however, is Liberty, who may well be 13–0 when this decision is made. To exclude Liberty University, a school named for the very notion of freedom and the champions of a conference (in the form of Conference USA) which is named after our very country, the United States of America, would be in direct conflict with our founders’ intentions for what college football should be. Also, my wife is outside that hotel in Grapevine right now with zip-ties, and she just started a chant to hang Boo Corrigan. I think you all should let them in.
Brett Kavanaugh
So you guys get to do this without any input from the NCAA? You’ve cut the NCAA out of this whole thing?
Hell yeah.
Get their asses.
Ketanji Brown Jackson
Having been raised in Miami in the 1980s, I understand better than anyone what a national championship can mean to a community. This is not a decision we should take lightly, and it is not one I will take lightly. One thing, though, from personal experience: Let’s not say the Pac-12 deserves a playoff representative. Whether we’re putting a Pac-12 team in or not, let’s not make it sound like it’s only about them being from the Pac-12. Oregon or Washington is going to deal with a lot of shit if we say, “We will put a Pac-12 team in the playoff if you put us on the committee.” Let’s just put them in if we think they’re deserving. It’ll be easier that way.
Amy Coney Barrett
(recused due to religious conflicts of interest related to the SMU death penalty)
John Roberts
Ultimately, the job of the College Football Playoff committee is to not get itself killed. Therefore, in the scenario outlined, we must not exclude Texas. If we exclude Texas in favor of Alabama, people are going to get mad at us because of the head-to-head thing, and I don’t like it when people are mad at us. I get worried they’re going to get rid of us. For our own sake, then, let’s either go with Justice Kagan’s Florida State suggestion or keep Alabama out and give Greg Sankey a win on NIL rules. Aren’t you guys glad we’re going to a 12-team playoff? This is going to be so much easier when it’s a 12-team playoff.
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