Below: What I would say in my opening monologue if I were asked to host the Emmys tonight.
Hey th…wait a second. Where is everybody? Is this socially distanced? Is this socially distanced and they didn’t tell me? Are we doing the zoom thing again? Did I miss the link? Is there a link? Is there a camera out there? Am I talking into a camera right now?
Hmm.
Ok, gonna assume you’re out there and just roll.
*shuffles notes*
Hey there! It is great to be back in per…ah, shit. This isn’t going well. Wait a second. What’s that?
*quiet snarling*
Is there an animal in here?
*louder snarling*
Is that a lion in the theatre?
*silence. I am visibly sweating*
Well hey there mister lion guess it’s just me and you, eh? Yeah, heh ha, me and the lion…
*I am backing away*
…doing the Emmys together. So are you the guy from the end of those shows in the little circle or?
*much louder roar*
You know I’m gonna leave now.
*I scamper away. The lion jumps on the stage. Somewhere, at home, Jason Sudeikis cheers.*
