“I’ve never filmed any of you guys when you’re using the bathroom, so I don’t know what faces you make when you’re doing that.” – Steve Sarkisian
I don’t know why he said it. I’m guessing he doesn’t know why he said it. I’m guessing Sark’s pretty stressed right now. His team is 1–1, he has Oklahoma, Georgia, and A&M all still on the schedule, and his quarterback might stink. You know what else stinks? Dumps. And yesterday, Sark talked about them.
The full context here is that Arch Manning evidently winced when he threw a pass this weekend, and since Arch Manning looks pretty awkward while he’s playing football, a reporter asked Sark yesterday whether Manning might be hurt. Sark denied it, implying that that’s just how Manning plays football. Then, he got a little miffed about the zoom-ins on his quarterback’s face. Which, fair enough. Where it got weird was that quote above. Unfortunately for Sark, there are plenty of ways to say, “Guys, don’t worry about one facial expression.” None of those include the poop faces of 45-year-old goobers.
Honestly, we should be grateful to Sark here, and to all college football coaches. There are a lot of people I don’t want to watch take a dump. All of humanity, really, with the possible exception of Danny DeVito. (Lord knows I’m curious.) I am not into scatalogical realism. I’m not even into realism! Still, there’s one group of people I especially don’t want to watch take dumps, and that is college football journos. They’re too performative.
In that regard, thank you to Steve Sarkisian for not making us all watch. Maybe this was a reminder, to them and to us. Sark has the power to record beat writers shitting. Look at Arch Manning’s face enough, and retaliation is a possibility.
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