The Empire State Building offended many in New York yesterday, briefly lighting its tower in the colors of the Philadelphia Eagles because…it said it was going to? My impression is that there is someone at the Empire State Building whose job it is to, every few days, change the colors of the lights. They make a plan at the beginning of the month and then go do it. This month, they dared themselves to risk lighting it Eagles or Cowboys colors by saying, “Hey, whoever wins the NFC Championship? They get the lights.” This is kind of like when middle school boys take turns dropping water bottles in the directions of their crotches from higher and higher heights until one connects. Or, you know, Russian Roulette.
Anyway, reactions were intense, as could be predicted, and fake reactions were even more intense, and real reactions to the fake reactions were—as one would guess—the most intense of them all. Once you’re arguing on Twitter with a person who’s comparing this lighting to the Holocaust, you’re the fool. Clearly, though, the Empire State Building has the capacity to stir shit up, and stir shit up it should. Here are an indeterminate number of suggestions for the Empire State Building’s February lightings (we will continue until I run out of ideas):
“French Blue” and “Vivid Cerulean,” in honor of the Covid Vaccines
There is perhaps nothing more polarizing in today’s day and age than the pair of shots that have, alongside their competitors, saved estimated millions of lives. How dare they? Empire State Building, light it up in the official Pfizer colors.
Orange and Black, in honor of FiveThirtyEight.com
People love hating on that Nate Silver guy. I bet we could get some unhinged by honoring him in the New York skyline. Also, then 538 would run some cutesy article about the RGB codes for each color and those of us trying to defend them would have to go quiet and distance ourselves from the nerdery.
Off-White, in honor of the Whipped Cream in Pup Cups
There will be Instagram stories about how this is problematic and those Instagram stories will be accompanied by extreme, binary, but unpredictable opinions regarding the Westminster Dog Show.
Red, in honor of Red Lights
There aren’t stoplights in the sky? Really? You sure about that?
Gray and Beige, in honor of TSA Bins
Shoutout from the Empire State Building to the people keeping it safe from passenger jets! I’m sure this wouldn’t bother anybody.
Red White & Blue, in honor of Lincoln’s Birthday
“Well actually using the colors of our nation’s flag in conjunction with our 16th president’s birthday is a mezzoaggression because when Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation he said nothing about affirmative action in Hollywood casting. #Learn.”
“Emerald,” in honor of Your Neighbor’s Lawn
In the winter, man? Really?
Blue and White, in honor of the Philadelphia 76ers
Play the hits!
Black and Silver, in honor of Goop
Black lights? Yes. Gwyneth Paltrow would want to receive her due in no other way.
Whatever that Orange-Yellow Color Is, in honor of Saturday Night Live
I understand there’s a new logo this season. I understand we might be able to get someone to march on the Empire State Building if we celebrate it.
Navy and Orange, in honor of the Houston Astros
Ok this would be fucked up.
Hahaha