I definitely have no idea what’s going on with this phrase, but I just saw “how white men fight” trending on The Internet, and I assume everyone is asking it as a question. So, here’s how we go about it:
1. There Is a Lot of Jumping Involved
The ultimate goal of fighting, as a straight white male in this day and age, is to not fight. So, most fights begin with the potential fighters jumping up and down, hoping fervently that if they hop like a bunny for long enough, wondering if throwing a punch is a misdemeanor or a felony in this jurisdiction, one of their friends will step in and pull them away.
2. You Have to Take Your Shirt Off
Another important step of the process is removing one’s shirt. Again, this is a practice in buying time. The longer we can wait before actually engaging in physical conflict, the likelier it is that someone will stop us.
3. Above a Certain Age, You Can Mostly Do It Through Facebook Statuses
Say you’re the kind of guy who watches primetime talk shows on cable news networks. If you’re of that ilk, your biggest fights are happening inside your iPad. Why take a swing when you can post, “Well this countries sure screwed now that there making o ur kids do drag at preschool!!.” upon a backdrop of 46 angry emojis?
4. If You Went to a Nice High School, You Will Want to Sit Down
Say you grew up in Lake County, Illinois, and you then go to, I don’t know, Indiana, and get yourself punched. Your expectation, following the punch, will be to have a meeting a few days later with your assailant and an authority figure.
5. Ice Skates Change Things
For whatever reason, all of these rules are null and void if you are on ice. Totally different ballgame. Or puckgame. Or fistgame, really.
6. The Story Is the Big Part
In certain parts of the country—I’ve seen it most often in the rectangle with corners in Omaha and Spokane—people do still fight, and the goal of these fights is usually to generate a great story to tell people outside of the rectangle. A guy at a bar off the frontage road this winter in Montana told me his buddy bit a dude’s tongue off one time in Brookings. I don’t know if I believe it, but it was a great story. He also taught me to put salt in Bud Heavy. That was a great thing to learn.
