So, you want to sell a car.
What’s going on with it? Is it falling apart? Is it breaking down? Did you drop a tuna sandwich in between the driver’s seat and the center console and can you not get the smell out because there’s some rotten tuna wedged in some crack you can’t find and is Febreze keeping up but can Febreze only do so much?
Alright, here’s how it went for me:
Step 1. Call Your Dad
There is inevitably something with your car that will require your dad’s help. Dads are built to know how to sell cars. When people lament the impact of fatherless homes on disadvantaged youth, they are referring to how difficult it will be for these kids to one day sell their tuna-filled cars.
Step 2. Try to Get the Damn Thing to Start
My issue wasn’t tuna. It was the battery. Or the starter, we briefly thought, but we were hopeful it was the battery. So I grabbed the tool box, went down to the street, and tried to take the battery out so I could take it over to Autozone.
Unfortunately, it didn’t work. There was a nut rusted onto a bolt on the clamp of the positive terminal.
Step 3. Wait for Your Dad to Come Visit for Your Birthday
“Welcome to Austin, pops. Thank you for the birthday present. As a return present to you, you now get to show me how to deal with this car’s battery.”
Step 4. Learn How to Deal With (Insert Problem Prohibiting Your Car from Starting) from Your Dad
Did you guys know I had a vise grip? I thought it was just another wrench. Anyway, that dealt with the nut, and then the ratchet extender (another thing that evidently exists, but one I didn’t have and we had to make a preemptive trip to Autozone to buy) dealt with the clip holding the battery in place, something I wasn’t anticipating.
Step 5. Take the Old Battery to Autozone
They’ll confirm it doesn’t work. But you may have to wait, if you do something like set the battery on the floor upside down while you wait in line because it was slipping out of your hands. Evidently that’s a no-no. Keep those batteries right-side up.
Step 6. Ask for the Cheapest Battery that Will Fit in Your Car
It’s just gotta have the same width. And you’ve gotta decline that warranty. Does it feel a little bad? Are you setting up the next buyer for issues? Yes. But this is why used cars are affordable. Because we are all humans, you and I, and one person’s inherited crappy battery is another’s relieving stopgap so they can get this stupid car sold.
Step 7. Take the Car to CarMax
If there’s a CarMax in your area, and it works like ours, it’s easy and fast and they might overpay? We got almost double our expectation. Although I guess that could be inflation.
