The Cardinals are set to emerge from quarantine today to begin a three-game series with the Cubs. Per reports, here’s how they spent their time off:
Hustling
Sorry, crossed wires with Buzz Bissinger’s brainwaves while he slept.
Coding Lessons
Not everyone just leaves passwords lying around.
Venerating David Eckstein’s Relics
It’s common for near-death experiences to bring people back to spirituality.
Casino Trips
To be fair, Harrison Bader still had some chips to cash in.
Creating Fake Interviews for Tony La Russa
Credit to the organization on this one for convincing La Russa that the person interviewing him about civil rights over video call is a real reporter, and not just a janitor they told to sit in front of the laptop camera for two hours.
Crafting a Chest Protector out of a Wet Rag
Takes a lot of moisture to get the appropriate level of stick.
Playing the Attendance Game
The whole thing where empty seats can count makes this pretty difficult.
Finally Cleaning out the Needle Disposal Boxes in the Bathrooms
Some overdue spring cleaning. We would’ve helped when they asked—we just didn’t hear the ‘s’ on the end when we thought they said they were winning through smallball.
Replacing the Lightbulb on the Gatorade Sign
Whoops! That was when La Russa was with the Sox.
Playing the Game the Right Way
Sorry, crossed wires with Yadier Molina’s brainwaves while he watched Acuña videos.
