The Lockout™ (What if I successfully trademarked The Lockout™ and made Rob Manfred pay me royalties?) hath begun, and we’re asking the important questions. Like, how are the players going to spend their time? Our guesses:
Juan Soto: Hyping up the MLBPA delegation.
You see a guy outside whatever fancy hotel they’re doing these things at wearing a Tony Clark jersey? It’s Juan Soto.
Carlos Correa: Writing poetry.
You see a burner account on Pinterest liking quotes about the inherent cruelty of the masses towards misunderstood genius? It’s Carlos Correa.
Anthony Rizzo: Orlando.
You see a guy slamming mango gingeritas at Epcot while giggling his 6’3”, 240-lb. frame silly? It’s Anthony Rizzo.
Joc Pederson: Definitely still on the wine kick.
Joc Pederson is definitely still on the wine kick.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr.: Demolishing a batting cage at a putt-putt place.
I don’t know where Vladdy Jr. offseasons, but I like to imagine that children flock to watch him utterly pulverize the frail chain-link struggling to contain him at that city’s Golf & Games and then utterly pulverize the biggest ice cream sundae the place has.
Mookie Betts: I don’t know, but it’s gonna be so cool.
I really tried on this one but I don’t think I can conceive of how cool a thing someone like Mookie Betts will use to fill his time. It’s beyond my grasp.
Shohei Ohtani: Working on the flow.
We, as a society, have given Ohtani plenty of love, but that guy’s got a good head of hair and we are not giving it the respect it is due.
Max Scherzer: Traveling to an isolated island in the Caribbean, setting it up to trick ships into wrecking, then hunting the survivors of the wrecks in the island’s wilderness.
Normal offseason for the ace.
