There’s a video going around of Mark Zuckerberg throwing a spear at a target while wearing sunglasses and noise canceling headphones. The video is set to Audioslave. It’s terrifying.
Which brings us to……………………………
HOW DIFFERENT BILLIONAIRES PREFER TO HUNT THEIR HUMAN MEAT (disclaimer: I’m pretty sure none of these people actually eat human meat, but I cannot personally vouch for them, being only a thousandaire myself and therefore not invited to their feuds and/or parties):
Bill Gates: Hires someone to do that.
“It’s a delicacy, and I want to have the choicest cuts, damaged as little as possible in the hunting process. It’s important to know the job was done right.”
Jeff Bezos: Blows the target up with a nuclear weapon.
What, you think Jeff Bezos doesn’t have nukes? You think Jeff Bezos isn’t nuking people on some island in the Pacific and eating the radioactive shreds of their flesh? How else did Jeff Bezos go bald? How the hell else did Jeff Bezos go bald?
Elon Musk: Pretends he’s playing The Most Dangerous Game but is actually on VR and then just eats a chicken sandwich from whatever place seems the funniest to him, which right now is probably Burger King.
Should’ve put this first or last. In a blog list you always put your best stuff first or last.
Warren Buffett: “No thank you.”
Definitely polite about it.
Larry Page: Spearfishing.
If billionaires are eating people, Larry Page is eating mermaids, and no one is calling him on it but me.
Sergey Brin: Harpooning.
Much cooler name, but yeah, same thing.
Alice Walton: Nets in the woods.
Those big net traps from cartoons and the movies where the prey steps on them and gets yanked up into the tree, tied up in the oversized net? The Walton family is using those in the Ozarks. If, you know, billionaires eat people. Which they might not!
Michael Bloomberg: Boring them to death.
You’re in a room with Michael Bloomberg. He’s getting closer. You’re getting sleepier and you don’t know why.
Charles Koch: Anti-aircraft guns.
Outdated, but the man’s a relic.
Dan Gilbert: Has never successfully caught anybody and doesn’t try that hard but does send letters to his targets in Comic Sans excoriating them for what he perceives as unfair practices in their attempts to evade him.
That letter doesn’t get joked about enough anymore.
Phil Knight: Having a team of runners run the person to death like how our ancestors used to hunt antelopes.
“It’s green,” he explains to his companion.
