Ryan Braun retired yesterday, and I will miss him. It’s always nice to have an athlete out there whom everybody hates. Yadier Molina? Some people feel obligated to respect him. Christian Yelich? Still hasn’t gotten his due venom for being a punk about the Yu Darvish sign-stealing accusations. Sean Rodríguez? Too good of a Pirate cosplayer and too insignificant to draw much ire.
But Braun.
Man.
I can’t stand Ryan Braun.
Even his retirement video pissed me off. Who let that guy post a video on The Internet™? And on the Brewers’ main account, nonetheless? Get out of here, Ryan Braun. Video-making privileges on The Internet™ are reserved for people who are funny, people who are consensually naked, people who are hyping me the hell up, and people who are trying to convince me to join their caliphate (UNSUCCESSFULLY, LET ME BE CLEAR, I WILL NOT JOIN ROB GRONKOWSKI’S CALIPHATE). You fit none of those categories. You can look into a camera, but it better not be a moving picture, pal.
Au revoir.
