Well, then.
1. The Ceaseless Tick of Time
The Nick Saban era did not end when Nick Saban retired from Alabama. It did not end when Kalen DeBoer took down Georgia. It did not end when Jim Harbaugh beat Saban in his career finale.
The Nick Saban era ended after Vanderbilt’s clinching first down yesterday, when Crimson Tide captain Malachi Moore slammed Diego Pavia’s head into the ground, cussed out his teammates, and kicked the football from the line of scrimmage into the Vanderbilt backfield.
This doesn’t mean Alabama’s going to be terrible now or anything.
But that was the kind of thing Kirby Smart’s players do.
A new era has begun.
2. Purdue
I don’t think we, as a nation, have realized just how bad Purdue is at football. This is the worst football team in the world. I know, I know, Purdue allegedly beat Indiana State 49–0 at one point this year. But I have not seen that game, and I have seen Purdue’s other four games, and those four games have been hilarious. It’s like when the little kids play against the mascots.
3. Florida State
That guy who reads the book in the stands is back.
4. The Michigan Manifesto
I’m getting the sense that a lot of Michigan people think Connor Stalions’s plan worked. Michigan won a title, after all. Not enough of them acknowledge that Stalions allegedly wrote a 600-page “manifesto” on how to make Michigan the greatest football program in the world and his efforts turned into this. Michigan has Covid and Nick Saban to thank for building their offensive line and taking out Georgia. Michigan has Connor Stalions to thank for sinking them into the North Atlantic. Maybe Michigan could have hired a real defensive coordinator if all their prospective hires didn’t have to worry about their head coach getting a show–cause.
5. Lincoln Riley
Say what you will about Fleck Bucks, but there is no way Lincoln Riley knows how to handle an oar.
6. Temple
Sometimes we include entities on the bad vibes list because we don’t respect them and we want to laugh at their expense. Other times, we just see the vibes and say, “Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no.”
There’s nothing wrong with getting stuffed on a game-deciding fourth and goal. That’s football, and it’s great. But there’s a certain indignity to seeing UConn return the decisive fumble for a touchdown. It’s like getting walked off by the Mets.
7. Mizzou
Oh boy.
I will say this about Mizzou’s effort yesterday: The Tigers looked so bad that they didn’t even make Texas A&M look good. Texas A&M pulverized the University of Missouri football team, and our reaction was not, “Wow, A&M’s good!” Our reaction was the same one I think we’d have if we watched eleven young men repeatedly step in dog shit, lift their shoe to check if they’d stepped in dog shit, confirm they’d stepped in dog shit, lose their balance, and somehow tear their ACL’s while also faceplanting upon the dog-shit-covered sole of their shoe.
Luther Burden is so good at football that he made us think Brady Cook could be a playoff quarterback.
8. Gundy
Mike! What the hell, man??
The nice thing about Gundy is that he will be back. He will always be back. Mike Gundy does not simply have a bad team. He has plenty of bad teams, but he never does it simply. This is shaping up to be one of those years where the point of Oklahoma State football is to make some Big 12 team’s second loss of the year as debilitating and embarrassing as it possibly can be.
9. Blue Bloods
No disrespect intended to Indiana or Kentucky here. They’re blue bloods. But we wanted to shout out Kansas for managing to be 1–5 with a positive point differential, and we didn’t want KU to have all the fun. You understand, Hoosiers—right? If not, we can always add Mike Woodson to the graphic. That guy’s vibes are terrible.
10. Brian Kelly
LSU was idle this week.
1. Goalpost Parades
From what I can tell, a common misconception regarding Vanderbilt University is that it is fun. Someone once told me that the highlight of their Vandy friend’s four years was meeting the doctor who attended to Saddam Hussein before he was executed. A Vandy student once told me that the point of parties at Vanderbilt is not to have a good time, but to make sure no one else feels good enough about themselves to enjoy the evening either. These are anecdotal pieces of evidence, but I have shared them before and they have never been refuted. I’m working with what I’ve got here.
So!
That parade down Broadway may have been an even bigger deal than we can understand. It’s possible last night was legitimately the first time hundreds if not thousands of college students had fun at college.
Good for them.
2. Hogs
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, PIG!
Arkansas’s in that inconvenient place of being lost in the SEC. They’re probably a pretty good team but because they were in the SEC West for such a long time, they get lumped in with Purdue. Good for Arkansas. Good for Tusk. Good for Sam Titman. That was fun. Arkansas’s good enough to keep Tennessee off the bad vibes list.
3. Goldy
I lived in Minneapolis for two years, and one of my three favorite things about Minneapolis was Goldy. I can’t articulate why, but if Goldy Gopher silently pantomimed that he needed me to [redacted – terrorism], I’d do it without a second thought.
They should have let Goldy into Lincoln Riley’s press conference. Get Riley really riled up.
4. LeQuint Allen
My favorite thing about watching LeQuint Allen muscle his way through UNLV defenders on Friday night was that it made one specific annoying person unhappy. I’m a petty betch. Sue me. My second favorite thing about watching LeQuint Allen muscle his way through UNLV defenders on Friday night was that it was the kind of running back muscling which shouldn’t happen. Strength. Power. Tenacity. The kind of thing you get in the scuffling industrial heart of Upstate New York. Vegas wasn’t ready for LeQuint Allen.
5. The New York Mets
The ultimate chaotic neutral.
6. The U.S. Military
Army and Navy have better records this football season than they do at wars. And they’re pretty good at wars.
7. Philly Kyles
Kyle Schwarber. Kyle McCord. Shohei Ohtani. Three men with Philadelphia ties who can turn a game on its head.
8. Richie Muñoz
Weber State should be the Beekeepers, and it will remain fucked up that they aren’t right up until the day that I use an irresponsible amount of money to persuade them to rebrand. It is dishonorable for Weber State to call themselves the Wildcats. But! Richie Muñoz has awesome vibes. Six touchdowns yesterday in an overtime upset of Montana in Missoula.
I’d never seen Muñoz without a helmet before I called up that picture. I would not have guessed quarterback. His face is too round.
9. Universities of Louisiana
ULL and ULM are a combined 8–2. ULM just took down James Madison. Lafayette is a nice town. I don’t know if the UL system has other campuses, but it’s a great time for at least these two.
10. Miami?
Alright, let’s try to figure this out: Does Miami have good vibes?
On the one hand, they’ve won twice straight via big comeback and the ACC Replay Command Center seems to be on their side. (I love that the ACC Replay Command Center was in action until 2:30 in the morning last night.) On the other hand, Miami isn’t actually a good football team and Cam Ward, while very fun, is nowhere near the best quarterback in the country. I think this means Miami has good vibes now and will have bad vibes when Clemson beats them by 36 points in the ACC Championship. But I really don’t know. Miami isn’t in Miami, but I’m intimidated by Miami. Miami, I mean. The city. I don’t think anyone’s intimidated by the school.
