At least four of you have seen the listing:
We have a free couch.
It’s in Austin, it’s a six-year-old couch, it’s been in my life longer than the NIT has and we were going to try to sell it to college kids but then Fargo pissed all over it yesterday so now we’re going to try to give it to college kids. Piss on a couch? A problem? “I thought this was a party.”
The couch has many wonderful features: You can sit on it. You can lie down on it. If you’re shorter than 5’6”, you can lie down on it comfortably. It’s in remarkable condition for a couch that has survived an interstate move and three intrastate moves. But you don’t care about that. You want to hear more about the piss.
Here’s the story with the piss: In honor of the 25th anniversary of the McGwire/Sosa home run race, we put our dog Fargo on steroids last week. It wasn’t exactly that simple—she had to get diarrhea first, and the usual tricks had to not work, and then the diarrhea had to improve but only from napalm to soft-serve, and the soft-serve had to last two weeks…it was a process. But eventually, we got her on the steroids, and the shit started to improve, and she started drinking so much water it had to be measured in cubic meters, which led to a situation where she began wetting the bed in her sleep. Only during naps, for some reason (that, or she’s been drying off overnight before we get to her), but…yeah. Bedwetter. Almost eighteen in dog years, still wetting the bed. Because of her steroid use. It’s not her fault! We were trying to honor Sammy Sosa! If the Cubs won’t do it, someone’s gotta!!
The funniest part of Fargo wetting the bed (or couch, in this case) is how nonchalantly it was happening. This is how it happened at least twice. If she wasn’t nonchalant about it, we would’ve noticed the first time. Instead, we just combed through her fur looking for a wound or a bug bite she might have licked to oblivion, found nothing, and let her air dry. She passed it off well. Maybe she’s been reading the blog. The second time (at least), we did notice it, because she woke up, did a big stretch, and started walking around the house dripping water. We hadn’t noticed her licking this time, and dammit, we would’ve noticed that much licking. Right? Right, as it turned out. Upon close inspection, the water was the teensiest bit yellow. And I mean the teensiest. This girl is so freaking hydrated right now. Tom Herman should make an example out of this girl’s piss. And steroid use! Seems like the NCAA’s steroid testing is pretty poor. You can build a whole program off of that, some might say.
Anyway, we’re getting rid of the couch and we’re letting Fargo out every hour or two and we’re tapering off the water before bedtime. That last part doesn’t concern you, though. Unless you really don’t care about piss on your couch and you’re waiting on another free one. In that case, you want us to stop with the last part.
