As you may have heard, Notre Dame won’t allow Purdue to bring its drum on the field tomorrow when the Boilermakers visit South Bend. And when we say “its drum,” we mean the big one. The normal-sized ones are fine. But Purdue’s big old drum, evidently the world’s largest (I will not give Purdue the dignity of me fact checking that), will not be allowed.
To be more accurate, Notre Dame didn’t ban the drum from the field. They just told Purdue they couldn’t bring the drum through the main tunnel, and it won’t fit through the visitors’ tunnel, a narrow gap in the stands by where the townies sit that Notre Dame built in the last renovation to try to at least somewhat offset the home field disadvantage of having a bunch of stuck-up, country-club-loving geezers as the core of its fanbase.
It makes a lot of sense. If you had a stupid cousin who always brought some physically enormous toy everywhere they went, but your new house didn’t have a door the toy could fit through, you would not find a solution. You would tell them not to bring the toy. Similarly, if you had a pompous cousin who wouldn’t let you bring your favorite toy to their house when it would totally fit if they just moved their cars so you could come through the garage, you’d be pissed.
Anyway, a few solutions. First off, this one, which Notre Dame could offer:
Second, Purdue could bring the drum anyway, try to bring it through the visitors tunnel, and clog the tunnel with it, like an ignored-the-clearance-height-sign semi-truck under a bridge. You’d lose the drum, but the tunnel would be unusable, and Notre Dame would have to choose between sending folks down there with axes to clear it out in the middle of the game or letting your players go around and use the main tunnel at halftime and postgame.
Third, and this could be in conjunction with the other two, Purdue could have Purdue Pete try to mug Brian Kelly. Sneak through to the home tunnel. Get the costume on. Wait in the shadows. Doesn’t Purdue Pete look like a guy who spends time lurking in the shadows, ready to strangle? Or at least to club with the hammer? The point is, Purdue Pete is a murderer. Use that, Purdue. Use it.
The other solution, of course, is for the bands to fight at halftime, but that could happen at any college football game and nobody listens to me when I suggest it so I’ve kind of given up on it. Not an exclusive solution, too. You can fight and do the others. You can fight and not do the others. You can always fight.
i love every one of these options.