Many have asked, so it’s time for us to answer. Here’s who every World Cup country would be if they were a team in the 2022 NIT:
Wales: Princeton
Wales and Princeton are both small, and for each, there’s some history, but nobody is entirely sure anymore what that history is. They’re also kind of relevant thanks to geographic proximity to power. And they talk in funny voices.
Netherlands: Colorado
Well, there’s the cannabis. But also, you know, they’ve had good moments here and there. Plus, the fanbase and/or population is small in numbers and white in skin tone. Perfect match.
Portugal: BYU
Like BYU in the NIT, Portugal is often here. Like BYU in the NIT, Portugal should probably do better than they do.
Iran: Vanderbilt
I am very sorry, but somebody in this has to be Vanderbilt.
France: Texas A&M
Is France our friend? In a lot of contexts, yes, but here? Also: What’s up with every single thing they do?
Argentina: Dayton
There’s just a lot happening. There’s always something happening. A wild amount seems to happen with each of these guys.
Morocco: Missouri State
Got our first reach. Deep breath.
Uhh…they’re both kind of in the middle of things but they’re also both kind of out on an island and with both of them, no one really knows how good they are? That tracks pretty well, actually. A little too geographic but we’ll take it.
Belgium: SMU
Each of these will happily say something to you like, “Well, technically, we’re one of the favorites.”
Uruguay: Mississippi State
Uruguay and Mississippi State share the unusual quality of being completely unnoticeable for years at a time but also the kind of places where a gigantic scandal could erupt and we would all feel we felt it coming.
Cameroon: Belmont
There’s been trendiness. Don’t try to tell me Cameroon hasn’t been trendy.
Qatar: Iona
Iona will find a way to be there. They’ll find a way.
Brazil: St. Bonaventure
Calm thyselves, Bonnies.
We’re pretty sure Brazil cares about the World Cup more than anyone else. Not that everyone else doesn’t care, but this is more Brazil’s “thing” than it is anybody else’s thing. Germany has the EU to run. Argentina is always flirting with a fiscal crisis. Brazil is in a perpetual state of trying to win the World Cup.
Denmark: VCU
Denmark is loud now and then, as is VCU, but for as much as each makes its bones in this arena, neither really does that well that often. Just an observation, Danish fans of VCU. Please don’t take it as a criticism.
Canada: Wake Forest
You think you can just say with a straight face that Canada isn’t the Wake Forest of nations?
USA: Florida
Why the hell isn’t Florida better at basketball?
Australia: Santa Clara
They’re having a good time out there.
Germany: Xavier
One of the big descriptors for both Germany and Xavier is “pride.” Each takes themselves very seriously.
Costa Rica: Cleveland State
We know where both of these are located, but then we panic a little. You know how Bowling Green isn’t in the Bowling Green in Kentucky? Lot of Clevelands out there…
Poland: North Texas
The Grant McCasland teams at UNT have always felt a little Polish, and I can back that up without backing it up by saying you’ll know what I mean if you’ve watched a lot of Grant McCasland basketball throughout the years.
Mexico: Oregon
Neither is really as good as they seem in the context of their regular season competition.
Ghana: Toledo
If you tell someone either of these two is popping off, they won’t be surprised. The capacity is there. It’s like the Uruguay/Mississippi State scandal capacity, except with winning at sports.
Serbia: Saint Louis
Perpetual sleepers.
Croatia: Northern Iowa
Remember that one time?
Switzerland: Washington State
The reds are different, the topographies are different, but it’s kind of the same idea.
Saudi Arabia: Nicholls
Is it Nicholls? Nicholls State again? What’s the K in KSA on the abbreviations? It’s Kingdom, right?
South Korea: Towson
They don’t do it like anybody else, and it isn’t working yet, but they don’t do it like anybody else.
Tunisia: Alcorn State
Thorough unknowns.
England: Virginia
They might be great and they might be terrible and either way it’s gonna look like they’re terrible in a lot of moments and be accompanied by general messiness.
Japan: Long Beach State
It’s really easy to forget these guys.
Senegal: Texas State
They should…be good? Be bad? Can someone tell us a little (or a lot) about Senegal?
Ecuador: Utah State
Has anything really shady happened with these guys? Why do I have a vague feeling I’m forgetting something horrific?
Spain: Oklahoma
If Three Dog Night associates the two, who are we to break rank?
