There is a great cosmic secret, and that is that there is a price on every soul. Yours is different from mine. Mine is different from yours. Bill Clinton’s rises 25% if he is physically holding a saxophone. 30% if he starts to play it!
There is a second cosmic secret, and that is that basketball tournaments have souls. Most of them, anyway. There are two basketball tournaments that do not have a soul. One is the NBA In-Season Cup Presented by Adam Silver’s Obsession With Global Fútból™. The other happens in March or April, and if I do my job right, this will be the last time it does so.
But we aren’t here to talk about the NBA Intermittent In-Season Cup That’s Also the Regular Season Presented by Terry Rozier’s Buddy’s Futures Portfolio®, and we aren’t here to talk about that bastard offshoot of a Los Angeles brainstorming session gone too far. We’re here to mourn the Great Alaska Shootout.
Here’s every Feast Week tournament, ranked by how much I assume God values its soul. No, I don’t know whether today counts as the start of Feast Week. No, I will not include events that aren’t tournaments. I don’t understand the point of those. I hope one gets nuked. Not really. Nuclear weapons are dangerous. But if Iran wants to nuke us, may I suggest the Fort Myers Tip-Off?
(Shoutout to Chris Dobbertean for compiling this handy list. As in, this useful list. That is not a second Bill Clinton reference.)
23. Players Era Festival
Location: Las Vegas
Teams: Too Many
This thing sucks so bad. I assume it’s not worth it for the sponsors and that it will die soon, but I resent that it ever existed, and I resent that there isn’t more direct uproar about it. It would be one thing to attack the Maui Invitational’s supremacy and try to replace it with something good. It’s another to attack the Maui Invitational’s supremacy and replace it with a bunch of sad games in empty arenas in a format that’s more “travel baseball showcase” than “college basketball Thanksgiving tournament.” Hard to feel thankful in this environment. I hate you, Players Era Festival. And if God is a hater, I assume you’re at the top of His list.
22. Acrisure Classic
Location: Palm Desert, California
Teams: Grand Canyon, Iowa, Mississippi, Utah
I didn’t realize Palm Springs was big enough to have suburbs.
This tournament is probably fine, but we have to put it here for reasons that will become clear soon. This is a fine tournament. 22 of these are fine tournaments. This one has a very cheap soul, but there’s nothing wrong with having a very cheap soul. Christopher Walken’s soul is way less expensive than you’d expect, and he’s made quite a life for himself!
21. Resorts World Las Vegas Classic
Location: Las Vegas (possibly at Resorts World? Is that a place or a sponsor.)
Teams: Lehigh, Seattle, Texas State, UC Santa Barbara
I like that there are exactly two Thanksgiving tournaments happening in Vegas, and that one is an 18-team monstrosity which is testing the durability of college basketball’s right ventricle while the other has Lehigh and Texas State. It’s like when some of my high school friends went to community college at the community college next to Iowa’s campus instead of the community college in our home county.
20. Emerald Coast Classic
Location: Niceville, Florida
Teams: DePaul, Drake, Georgia Tech, LSU
Did you think the Emerald Coast was in Ireland? Six years ago, I thought the Emerald Coast was in Ireland. Turns out, it’s 7.9 miles from Destin. Right across Choctawhatchee Bay.
19. Pensacola Invitational
Location: Exactly where it sounds like it is
Teams: North Florida, Prairie View A&M, Southern Miss, UT Martin
43.5 miles from Destin. More upwind, too. That helps with the fallout.
(UT Martin’s hot in the streets. Such a good logo, too.)
18. Acrisure Invitational
Location: Palm Desert, California
Teams: Minnesota, Saint Louis, Santa Clara, Stanford
Remember the Acrisure Classic? Just wait.
17. Sunshine Slam – Beach Bracket
Location: Daytona Beach
Teams: Florida Atlantic, George Mason, Loyola Marymount, Ohio
God didn’t walk on the beach.
16. Sunshine Slam – Ocean Bracket
Location: Daytona Beach
Teams: Bethune–Cookman, Jacksonville, Pacific, Stony Brook
There it is.
(Ok, He didn’t walk on the ocean either. But sea means ocean, guys! Work with me!)
15. Boardwalk Battle
Location: Daytona Beach
Teams: High Point, Incarnate Word, Southern Indiana, UIC
This soul will appreciate in price if producers play music from Grease as they go to commercial.
14. Hall of Fame Classic
Location: Kansas City
Teams: Kansas State, Mississippi State, Nebraska, New Mexico
I knew there was a second basketball Hall of Fame, and I vaguely knew it was specifically for college hoops. What I didn’t know was that it’s in Kansas City. When I think of a Hall of Fame in Kansas City, I think of the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum. Guess that’s just because I love my country.
Kansas City: Great place to spend Thanksgiving. This tournament will be over six days before Thanksgiving, but stick around! On Black Friday they light up the lights* at the Power & Light District. I assume that’s where the district gets its name. Power? The ceremonial plug. Light? You’ll see them everywhere.
*Or at least they did eight years ago. Shoutout to Aunt Nancy.
T-12. Shriners Hospital Charleston Classic – Palmetto Bracket
T-12. Shriners Hospital Charleston Classic – Lowcountry Bracket
Location: Charleston, South Carolina
Teams: Clemson, Georgia, West Virginia, Boston College, Davidson, Tulane, Utah State
You can’t separate the Palmetto Bracket and the Lowcountry Bracket. Not in soul price, anyway.
Great teams. Great location. Great names for brackets. Only thing missing is one of those little Shriners cars zipping around with a ref perched on the back for 40 minutes.
11. Rady Children’s Invitational
Location: San Diego
Teams: Florida, Providence, TCU, Wisconsin
Finally. An invitational for children.
10. ESPN Events Invitational – Magic Bracket
Location: I’m gonna call it Orlando
Teams: BYU, Dayton, Georgetown, Miami
What if there was a hidden meaning behind this name and the winner had to play the Magic in a secret third game?
9. ESPN Events Invitational – Imagination Bracket
Location: Orlando in spirit if not technicality
Teams: Charlotte, Furman, Illinois State, Richmond
The trophy for this bracket should either 1) not physically exist or 2) look like something from that Kubla Khan poem. We have so many opioid addicts in this country, and we are failing to get them jobs writing poetry and/or designing basketball trophies.
8. Acrisure Holiday Invitational
Location: Palm Desert, California
Teams: Loyola Chicago, Northern Iowa, San Jose State, Tulsa
You’ve heard of the Acrisure Classic. You’ve even heard of the Acrisure Invitational. But have you heard of the Acrisure Holiday Invitational??
7. Battle 4 Atlantis
Location: Paradise Island, Bahamas
Teams: Colorado State, Saint Mary’s, South Florida, Vanderbilt, VCU, Virginia Tech, Western Kentucky, Wichita State
You have to wonder if the Players Era Festival would have been successful in its quest to fuck up Feast Week had the Battle 4 Atlantis stuck with Bad Boy Mowers as its title sponsor. I understand Marriott Bonvoy is a great rewards program. But I don’t think it can match Bad Boy Mowers for heart.
By the way: Is it risky to call a place Atlantis? Isn’t that like calling a boat the Titanic?
6. Baha Mar Bahamas Championship
Location: Nassau, Bahamas
Teams: Memphis, Purdue, Texas Tech, Wake Forest
Getting closer.
5. Paradise Jam
Location: U.S. Virgin Islands
Teams: Akron, Charleston, Evansville, Green Bay, Iona, Oregon State, UMass, Yale
Oh HELL yeah. Look at that field. I’m being serious. This is good. Probably not good for Paradise Jam’s financials, but this is the kind of daytime basketball I will make my in-laws watch with nary a qualm in the world. Especially with Doug Gottlieb’s facial hair being what it was the other night against Minnesota. Has Doug Gottlieb always looked that way? Or is he not ok right now?
4. Acrisure Holiday Classic
Location: Palm Desert, California
Teams: Colorado, Nevada, San Francisco, Washington
I cannot tell you enough how much I love that there is an Acrisure Invitational, an Acrisure Classic, an Acrisure Holiday Invitational, and an Acrisure Holiday Classic. It’s like they only know four words. Also, I don’t know why this is making me giggle so hard, but they’re playing the Classic and the Holiday Invitational at the same time (Tuesday and Wednesday), and then they’re doing the Invitational and the Holiday Classic on Thursday and Friday. I don’t know why that’s funny. Shouldn’t the Holiday ones be played at the same time?
3. Coconut Hoops Royal Palms Division
Location: Fort Myers
Teams: Belmont, Saint Francis, Toledo, Troy
Ahh, for the days when we had to specify which Saint Francis. Soon, there will be none.
This tournament ranks highly because it has an evil twin. The Coconut Hoops Tarpon Bay Division is a Feast Week event that isn’t a tournament. That one’s a round robin. This one’s bracketed. To be clear, round robins are ok, but only if there’s a trophy. And until I see a trophy, I assume it doesn’t exist.
2. It appears I miscounted.
1. Maui Invi—WAIT
2. ESPN Events Invitational – Adventure Bracket
Location: Fine it’s something called Lake Buena Vista but I’m really pretty sure this is all Orlando
Teams: Bradley, Liberty, Princeton, Rhode Island, Temple, Towson, UC San Diego, Vermont
Eight teams is right. Four teams is fine, but eight teams is right.
1. Maui Invitational
Location: Lahaina, Maui
Teams: Arizona State, Boise State, Chaminade, NC State, Seton Hall, Texas, USC, Washington State
I heard a rumor it was the Players Era Festival which started those fires.
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