Look, we’re not here to tell you how to vote. We think you can figure that out on your own.
What we are here to do is tell you who to vote for, as a single-issue voter whose single issue is supporting Joe Kelly.
- President: Joe Kelly
- Backup President: Knox Kelly
- Speaker of the House: Brock Holt
- Speaker of the Senate: Lane Kiffin’s old social media manager at FAU
- Secretary of Commerce: Lane Kiffin’s current social media manager at Mississippi
- Mayor: David Bote
- Armed Forces: The North Dakota State University football program
- SportsCenter Anchor: NIT Stu
- National Animal: Dairy Cow
- National Plant: Whatever kind of grass dairy cows like the most
- National Treasure: The original
- Designated Hitter: Griff Holt
- Mitt Romney: Jay Hill
- Guy Who Counts the Votes: Cody Bellinger
- Guy Who Tries to Distract the Guy Counting the Votes: Randy Arozarena
- Head Coach: Shaka Smart
- Head Coach’s Sidekick: Mike Brey
- National Auctioneer: Matthew McConaughey’s spirit and voice cloned and implanted into Danny DeVito’s body
- National Auction Winner: Matthew McConaughey
- Best Tacos: Licha’s
- Best Donuts: Country Donuts
- Best Bowling Alley: Bryant Lake Bowl
- Best Place to Raise a Family: Fargo
- Worst Place to Raise a Family: Ann Arbor
- Does Waco Exist? No
- Should Waco Exist? Depends who you ask
- National Enforcer: Anthony Rizzo but he has to wear the chains and no one can punch his boyish face
- National Tournament: The NIT
