As the pandemic wanes, elevators are coming back into style, and while I don’t think that’s exactly accurate, I think you know what I mean. You’re gonna ride more elevators than you used to. And with that, you’re going to encounter more awkward pauses.
Filling those awkward pauses is, for some of us, a chore. For others of us, it’s a joy. The former tries to force uncomfortable conversation. The latter maybe drops a, “What do you guys do for fun?” or a spill-the-tea-voiced, “So…who does everybody like?” Both of those are great things to say on elevators. I love saying those things on elevators. But I don’t love saying these things on elevators, and I suggest that you don’t say them:
- This thing’s going down.
- This elevator is going to crash.
- This elevator? Yeah we’re gonna fall.
- We are going to be stuck in this thing for hours and no one will come to our rescue.
- Nice to meet you. We will be spending the rest of our lives together in this elevator through no fault of our own.
- It’s elevator crashing time!
- Oh boy. Love getting in an elevator destined to get briefly stuck between floors and to then plummet mercilessly into the cold, unforgiving earth.
- Are any of you going to Hell? Because if you are, maybe the elevator could just drop all the way there instead of hitting the ground in between. Cut out the middleman. Save some pain for the fiery guy. Direct flight, if you will.
Please, don’t say those on your next elevator ride, no matter how awkward the pause. Also, remember: elevator deaths are exceedingly rare. About thirty people a year in the United States. But maybe don’t bring that up either. Gets the people asking questions you might not want to answer. Like: Are you an elevator?
i always start off with the death thing. “know how many people die in elevators? like 3? nope. 10 times that.”
then i sponsor a debate on which corner will be the pee corner. pro tip: press the emergency hold button to keep everyone around until the debate is finished.