Inventions can be good. But they can also be *bad.* Here are some inventions of yours to not talk about at summer barbecues:
“I invented a new coronavirus variant!”
Whoa, there, buddy. Keep that to yourself!
“I invented the Israeli/Palestinian conflict!”
First of all, no, no you didn’t, secondly still no, that’s been going on for a while, thirdly no, you did not invent that, and fourthly what a thing to say you invented I mean that is a terrible thing I would hope we all would wish there was peace there instead of such violence.
“I invented burritos!”
Look. We—you and I—know you mean tiny 3D-printed donkeys you can stack on top of one another. But nobody else here knows that.
“I invented filling old men’s shirt pockets with straws at nursing homes.”
I’m glad you said this one quietly, but I think you may have still incriminated yourself here.
“I invented fentanyl!”
Again, no, I don’t think you invented that, secondly, again, crime.
“I’m in favor of the Russian occupation of Crimea, and I invented a rollerblade that farts!”
The farting rollerblade is a great invention. You will dominate the elementary school fundraiser industry with that thing. But you can’t talk about how your inspiration was Vladimir Putin’s aggression in the Ukraine. Terrible marketing, unless your goal is to have Russian soldiers all scooting around on farting rollerblades (which does sound like a great prank), but even then you’re not going to the right audience with that. Nobody at your barbecue has an in with the Kremlin. None of them. Not even Gus.
“I invented pouring boiling water on the floor and yelling, ‘Coconuts!’”
It sounds harmless enough, but in my experience, this gets you kicked out of every summer barbecue at which you bring it up.
I invented money and women.