I can hear you already. You think I’m lying. You think I’m a weirdo. But it’s true. I have yet to watch any college football this season.
I have kept tabs on a few games—checked in with the gamecasts and whatnot.
But I have yet to watch a minute of college football this year beyond just overseeing it when passing a bar.
This hasn’t been intentional, but because I am the most important consumer in the world, it’s still a problem for the sport. Nothing college football has produced so far has compelled me to watch it. And the season’s over five percent of the way done. Time is running out.
Luckily for college football, I’m still willing to be courted. Here are some ways it could win me back:
Wait for baseball to end.
I did watch a good amount of baseball yesterday. Call me old-fashioned. Call me a guy whose friend Joe is better at betting on baseball than he is on college football, creating a situation in which baseball is more important to this blog’s success than college football right now. Call me whatever name you wish. But it’s true. Baseball won over college football in this house.
Give me a lot of money.
I was out driving rideshare last night, which is actually the most notable reason I didn’t watch. If I had more money, I would have the freedom to watch.
Let Joe Kelly play quarterback.
I would not only watch this, but would encourage my friends, neighbors, and city councilpeople to watch as well. I would be exhilarated. I would be terrified he would get crushed (because he is quite skinny, relative to most of those other football men). I would be elated when he threw a football through a linebacker’s chest en route to the now-blood-spackled hands of his intended receiver.
Make Nick Saban and Ed Orgeron learn to tango before anyone gets to play.
Watching every college football team in the country wait on the sidelines until these two coaches are done learning to dance this legendary South American dance with each other would be the second-best part of the deal. The best part would be watching them decide who should lead.
Change Weber State’s name to the Beekeepers.
To be completely honest, I’m a bit mad they haven’t done this yet, and it should be noted that Weber State has yet to score a point since making the decision this offseason to remain the Wildcats and not become the Beekeepers.
