I must begin with a confession.
I’ve always thought Matt Turner’s name was Nat Turner. I got him confused with the slave rebellion guy. And to be fair, neither ultimately got a win against Southampton.
I must continue with another confession.
Had there never been a slave rebellion led by Nat Turner, I think “Nat Turner’s Slave Rebellion” would be a good name for a punk folk band. As it is, such a name would be insensitive, especially because punk folk sounds really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really white and northern (this band would have to be from Portland, Denver, Madison, or Columbus). But in an alternate universe where Nat Turner never staged the revolt, I hope a moody, well-read, dark-haired man with a penchant for thick-rimmed glasses awakens from a dream tomorrow having seen our universe and goes on to create a band which one day opens for the Duodecemberists (this parallel universe should use latin naming for all twelve of the months, not just the seventh through the tenth).
I must pivot with an observation.
Matt Turner really looked in touch with his emotions after those penalty kicks. He looked in touch with his triumph. He looked like a figure skater.
The United States has won the Gold Cup (Quarterfinal), which means, as I understand it, that we get Canada’s gold. Prepare for rapid inflation, Canadian Dollar. You are (royally, since you guys are into that) fucked. Two more thoughts:
First, why does Ohio like soccer so much? I feel like I’m always seeing the USMNT play in Columbus, and I’m always hearing how Cincinnati’s MLS team is doing. Is it because of a preponderance of upper-middle class white people with access to minivans? Cincinnati has professional sports. Columbus has professional sports* and also the Blue Jackets. Neither of these cities should be *this* into soccer. Something is going on.
Second, I looked up why Qatar gets to play in the Gold Cup and I think it’s because they have a lot of gold. I’m being serious. They were invited when CONCACAF hadn’t been inviting teams for years. Has to be the gold, right? There is no way there is not bribery involved with Qatar’s presence in consecutive Golds Cup. Their presence is fiscal, not physical.
Third (I lied, sue me), in the event this isn’t a world economy-shifting tournament, what if CONCACAF doesn’t know that? What if the Gold Cup is played every other year and at the end of it CONCACAF looks at the winner and says, “Ok, you get everybody’s gold now,” and the people at Fort Knox or wherever go, “Silly corrupt little soccermen, we will not give you our gold,” and everybody else puts their gold back into their pockets except for Guadeloupe who does an aw–shucks snap of the fingers because their gold is already on the table and Sepp Blatter has teleported his goblin ass into the room and is eating it?
Fourth, if the Gold Cup is only called the Gold Cup because the cup is gold, I’m upset about it. Gold cups should be the standard. We aren’t poor. We can drink out of vessels shaped from precious metals.
*Cardale Jones didn’t come there to play school.
