Welcome! We made it. We did it. We are, as of right now, the only Burnley F.C.–Ottawa Senators newsletter on The Internet™. Imitators will surely follow, but right now, we stand alone, vanguards on a virgin shore. Best of all, there are no indigenous Burnley–Senators bloggers in this terrain. Not that we have any problems with the indigenous. We love the indigenous! It’s the disingenuous we despise. No, the reason it’s good that there are no indigenous Burnley–Senators bloggers is that most vanguards on virgin shores end up doing terrible things to those already on those shores. These shores really are untouched. So untouched, in fact, that they’re empty of life. There is nobody here. We are entirely alone.
There are two obvious questions we must answer before we can talk about JJ Watt and which of the Sens’ new coaches looks like he could grow the coolest mustache if the coaches all decided to grow mustaches to spark a big win streak.
The first question is why we’re blogging about Burnley and the Senators at the same time. The answer is an old one, but it goes like this: In 2019, we decided to befan the most irrelevant team in the Premier League. In 2021, we decided to befan the most irrelevant Canadian team in the NHL. We were looking for NIT vibes, and these two franchises provided those in bulk.
This is a bad thing, of course, for Burnley and the Ottawa Senators. Preexisting fans of these teams should probably not be happy about us joining their ranks. Our requirements in choosing these favorites were things like “this team cannot be good” and “this team should have no hope.” We came in good faith, but we were drawn to disaster.
That said, we would hope the broader Burnley and Ottawa Senators ecosystems would embrace us, or at least tolerate our presence. We’ve been here a long time by now, and we’ve ridden the rare highs and the frequent lows. We’re in this together, and that makes Burnley and the Ottawa Senators also in this together. Not to swoop in and tell people with more credibility than us how to feel about a massively important thing in their lives or anything, but these franchises are one and the same.
The second is why we named this Disco Inferno. That one is more straightforward. A common misconception about The Trammps’ greatest hit, Disco Inferno, is that the chorus says, “Burn baby burn.” It actually says, “Burn baby Burnley.” We’ve been trying to correct this mistake for five years. Maybe this time, the world will learn.
What Is TST?
I’ve been hearing a lot about TST, and I’ve been very confused by it. JJ Watt is playing for Burnley in a soccer tournament? Burnley’s jerseys are sponsored by Visit Detroit and Miller Lite?
We’re going to come back to Visit Detroit and Miller Lite (believe me, we are going to come back to Visit Detroit and Miller Lite), but first: It turns out TST is just The Basketball Tournament but for 7-on-7 soccer. A big semi-pro tournament with celebrities, a gimmicky end-of-game format, and a million dollar prize for the champion.
Ok. Visit Detroit and Miller Lite.
So Visit Detroit isn’t only sponsoring the jersey. They’re also Burnley’s Official US Destination Partner. If you are a Burnleyer and you want to visit the United States of America, the official place to go is Detroit. To state the self-evident: This is perfect. A little awkward because of the acrimony between the Sens and the Red Wings, but Visit Detroit isn’t Burnley’s Official Canada Destination Partner!
What seems to be happening with JJ Watt is that for every Bad JJ Watt thing he does (connecting Burnley with Dude Perfect) he does a few Good JJ Watt things (connecting Burnley with Visit Detroit and Miller Lite). So far, I think the good are outweighing the bad? The nice thing about Bad JJ Watt things is that they’re mostly harmless, and simply annoying. For example: Dude Perfect. We don’t love the Dude Perfect collaboration, but we can live with it if it means we get Visit Detroit. I wonder if they’re selling those jerseys.
The Sens Aren’t Trading Brady Tkachuk, Right?
The biggest question of the Sens’ offseason so far has been whether the franchise might trade Brady Tkachuk, and whether Brady Tkachuk might want the franchise to trade him. It seems like this is all speculation. It seems like people with no information are saying to themselves, “Man, the Sens are headed nowhere, but Brady Tkachuk’s a pretty good player,” and then tweeting something about him being on the block. So far, everyone with any Ottawa access is denying the rumors.
So why is the aura so foreboding?
You Have Burnley, But It’s Manageable
The latest on the manager search isn’t much. Craig Bellamy’s the interim guy, Mike Jackson’s evidently still with the club (God bless Mike Jackson, I’d been wondering if he was still around), and not to show how little I know about soccer but some guy named Frank Lampard is getting a lot of buzz, most of it “Oh no Burnley don’t do that.”
The implication is possibly incorrect, but the implication is that it’s Bellamy vs. Lampard right now, and going purely off of vibes, I would like to say that Disco Inferno is Team Bellamy. We’ve always loved Wales.
The Mustache Question
2024–25 Ottawa Senators coaching staff, final answer (until someone gets fired):
- Travis Green – Head Coach
- Daniel Alfredsson – Assistant Coach
- Nolan Baumgartner – Assistant Coach
- Ben Sexton – Assistant Coach
- Mike Yeo – Assistant Coach
- Justin Peters – Goaltending Coach
- Mike King – Video Coach
- Jacques Martin – Senior Advisor to the Coaching Staff (and presumably the guy who has the keys to all the different offices)
Aside from Alfie and Martin, I obviously know nothing about these men. But! I have taken the time to learn which would grow the coolest mustache in the event the coaching staff decided to all grow mustaches to spark a big win streak.
It’s Justin Peters. Picture a big bushy mustache on this face.
Alfie would look great, though.
And Travis Green would of course look the funniest. (I didn’t know Travis Green looked like that. I’m way more in on Travis Green than I was an hour ago.)
Misters Worldwide
We aren’t going to list all the Burnleys playing international games this week, but in ones that count for something (i.e., unfriendlies), we’ve got:
- Manuel Benson (Angola): World Cup Qualifying on Friday and Tuesday against Eswatini and Cameroon
- Lyle Foster (South Africa): World Cup Qualifying on Friday and Tuesday against Nigeria and Zimbabwe
Also, Maxime Estève is going to be an Olympian. So that’s neat.
Are Sens Fans Cheering for Florida or Edmonton?
I think the answer has to be Edmonton here. Not because of some Canadian loyalty but because the Panthers are a division rival and we can’t let Matthew become Keith Tkachuk’s favorite son. We know that Brady is the mom’s favorite—how could Brady Tkachuk not be his mother’s favorite—but we need him to have a chance in the eyes of dad. We assume Stanley Cups carry a lot of weight with pops.
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We’ll see you in a week. Until then? Burn, baby. Burnley. (And Ottawa.)
