I don’t know if I’ve ever had a hemorrhoid. Maybe that means I haven’t had one. I hope I haven’t had one. If I have had one, my “This driver’s never had a hemorrhoid; honk to congratulate him!” bumper sticker is built upon a foundation of deceit.
I do, however, sit on the toilet for looooooong stretches of time, looking at my phone.
“Meme leg,” as my friend Derek calls it, the experience of accidentally making your leg fall asleep while continuing to scroll memes when you’ve long since finished taking your dump (but before you wipe), isn’t the only malady associated with excessive toilet time. Hemorrhoids are also reportedly linked to the extended perches on the loo.
This—and this is one of The Blogger’s Privileges here, I can speculate without researching whereas if I was a journalist I’d have to go investigate this myself and that sounds tedious and liable to get me bone-sawed if it turns out Preparation H sponsors the PGA Tour—makes me wonder whether anyone’s ever taken a hard look at the financial links between the hemorrhoid cream industry and smartphones. I’m not saying the hemorrhoid creamers invented the device on which I’m typing this while preparing to go poop (I had to make myself start leaving my phone outside the bathroom for a day, the scrolling went too far last night). I’m just saying they’ve made a killing off of these little screens. Best thing that happened to them since the last powerlifting fad.
