Garrett Wilson made a heck of a catch last night:
Credit, of course, belongs to Wilson. We’re not trying to diminish Garrett Wilson’s accomplishments here. Garrett Wilson plays for the New York Jets, and despite that obstacle he not only scored a touchdown but looked really cool while doing it. We don’t want to take anything away from what Garrett Wilson did yesterday on a special, spooooooky edition of Thursday Night Football.
I do, however, want to ask if Aaron Rodgers can make his wide receivers levitate with his mind.
If not, why not?
The thing about Aaron Rodgers I think most people don’t grasp is that the guy isn’t crazy. Weird? Yes. Into some crazy stuff? Yes. But Aaron Rodgers is not himself crazy. Danica Patrick? That woman is crazy. Aaron Rodgers probably just has a lot of baggage from his childhood.
Aaron Rodgers does, though, love drugs, and he seems to take a spiritual approach to them, and he seems ready to believe anything that would make a grumpy New York Times atheist scoff. I’ve never done ayahuasca myself, but I have to imagine that you go into that at least kind of hoping you’ll acquire mental superpowers, right? Access to the divine? If I’m going to travel all the way to the Peruvian jungle and drink something that leaves me incapacitated for hours on end, I better AT LEAST develop the capacity to slow time and pull my wide receiver’s shin downwards towards the accursed MetLife turf, that which repels all life and must be combatted by extra forces, like when you push two magnets together and Make. Them. Stay.
Speaking of MetLife: How’d they get that Snoopy deal back in the day? I feel like Snoopy’s gotta be a hard get. If he isn’t, wouldn’t everybody have him? Snoopy rocks. Think about how many animals he was capable of impersonating for the Christmas play.
I’m under the impression that MetLife sells insurance, and now that I say that, I’m thinking life insurance might be part of the package, based on context clues. It’s occurring to me that life insurance marketing isn’t as slapstick as car insurance marketing. Why? Probably because we slap cars all the time, but we would never slap a human soul. We wouldn’t even know where to find it! And so it came to pass that MetLife got Snoopy and New York Life got that great tune in the commercial with all the climbing pillars. Does New York Life sell life insurance? I assume so now. If you have life in your name, you better be selling me a product which pays my family money if I croak. Acclaimed 1998 Disney–Pixar film A Bug’s Life, I’m looking at you.
Back to Aaron Rodgers and Garrett Wilson and the forces of evil which Rodgers must battle every other week on the ground in East Rutherford, New Jersey:
Gravity gets a bad rap.
Usually, it helps.
