I was watching a mashup of the harshest SpongeBob insults the other day (I did not seek it out) and one involved Sandy Cheeks, the provocatively named squirrel/waternaut, buying deodorant at her local supermarket. Sandy approached the deodorant aisle and pondered aloud whether to buy roll-on or a stick. To bully her (not to punish her for bothering others with her internal narration, which would have made more sense), a nearby fish said aloud, “I think she should buy both.”
I don’t know that I’ve ever seen roll-on deodorant. To be honest, I always vaguely thought it was some weird sticky paper or film that women unrolled onto their armpits. Upon thinking about it more, this doesn’t make sense at all, but I never thought about it more. Not until Miss Cheeks was accused of smelling so bad that fish could smell it through her watertight suit.
So, I went googling this morning, and I quickly learned that roll-on deodorant is just a ballpoint pen, but for deodorant. There’s a liquid in a container capped by a ball, and when you press on the ball it breaks the seal and the liquid can ooze around it, coating the ball and applying itself to whatever the ball touches—paper or armpit (hairs can get caught between the ball and the seal, which is why roll-on is more commonly used by shaven women than unshaven men). I felt pretty smart for making the ballpoint pen connection. Then, I googled “roll-on deodorant ballpoint pen” and found 4,892 blog posts from other bloggers over the last 20 years breathlessly relaying, How Ballpoint Pens Changed Deodorant Forever, and I felt a little silly. It’s hard to say something novel on The Internet™ anymore. Maybe that’s why so many folks I know from intramural volleyball are posting Instagram stories encouraging wiping Israel off the face of the earth. Gotta keep it fresh.
Then! I found a blog post comparing pens to pens. And anytime you find a blog post comparing pens to pens, you click on that blog post. It’s like if you work in a big office and someone tells you there’s a free decorate–your–own–Christmas–cookie station down in the lobby. You stop working. You decorate cookies. You click on the pen vs. pen.
This post, from Pen Heaven, compares rollerball pens to ballpoint pens, and if you are wondering if those are the same thing THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING it says so in the first sentence:
“Ballpoint pens are very similar to rollerballs but there are several key differences.”
DIFFERENCE NUMBER ONE (sic):
“Ballpoint pens uses a thick oil-based ink, whilst rollerball pens use a water-based ink, more similar to the ink used in fountain pens.”
Pen people would totally use the word “whilst.”
The article proceeds, concisely and clearly, through the pros and cons of both types of pens, then offers links to where you can browse Pen Heaven’s selection for each. Pen people probably love this shit. Pen people probably love conciseness and clarity. You know who doesn’t love it, though? The first commenter. “ray sia.”
Ray, if we may call them that, comes in with conciseness and clarity of his own. Or does he…
Not so clear anymore, eh? You confused poor Paul! And when his site’s commenting service broke, conciseness went out the window too. Comment Sections are to Everything as Icebergs are to The Titanic.
The comments continue (you can read them; we encourage you to read them), but the themes remain the same: Commenters from within Pen Heaven’s own staff have a hard time keeping their own comments from posting double. Commenters from outside Pen Heaven’s staff have follow-up questions regarding rollerball pens. Opinions are shared, sometimes without prompting. Ray comes back and says, “That is not what i want!!!” again but you realize this is the same comment, still from 2014, and the site is just glitching in a second way.
I have to say.
It sounds kind of nice to become a pen person.
But I bet it would hurt to draw all over your armpits.
