The NBA announced today that Jontay Porter is banned from the NBA until he dies. Why? Well, according to the NBA, he was betting on the NBA himself and giving friends inside betting information. He even allegedly tried to rig a prop bet by pulling himself out of games. In their statement (I’m paraphrasing), the NBA said…
“Look. This guy isn’t anyone’s favorite player. He’s not all that good. He did something so stupid and so selfish that there’s really no chance anyone’s feeling any sympathy for him. So we’re going to ban him for life. Really convenient guy to make an example out of, honestly. Too bad those sportsbooks aren’t handing out gagillion-dollar contracts anymore for podcast hosts. This would’ve been Jontay’s time!”
What a lame way to get banned for life from the NBA. It’s not even like he rigged the Finals. Say what you will about the 1919 White Sox, but they weren’t pissing around on prop bets. Those fellas went bigtime. Coward move by Porter.
Cooler ways to get banned:
- Give Adam Silver a swirlie, then say, “Oh wait, you’re bald,” then shove his head in the toilet again anyway.
- Steal Adam Silver’s glasses and replace them with a prescription that’s just a little bit different from his own.
- Invest millions of dollars into a bot-fueled Reddit campaign to make Adam Silver change the All-Star Game into a big game of knockout. Then buy all the tickets to the All-Star Game so nobody attends. Then give Adam Silver a swirlie, say, “Oh wait, you’re bald,” then shove his head in the toilet again anyway.
- Throw a handful of tomato paste at Adam Silver’s back while he’s toweling off post-toilet dunking and tell him it’s poo.
- Start a fake sock company and advertise so heavily on Instagram (targeting bald men in their 60s who think of themselves as “idea guys”) that Adam Silver is constantly getting ads for socks with footballs all over them.
- Do that pig thing from Black Mirror (don’t look it up if you don’t know, it’s not worth it) except instead of kidnapping Adam Silver and making him do unspeakable things with a pig on live television (see I told you it wasn’t worth it) you kidnap Adam Silver and make him throw one football on live television, instantly creating the meanest meme of all time because there’s no way Adam Silver can throw a football more than three feet.
- While Adam Silver’s hanging his head after poorly throwing a football, pick him up and carry him into the bathroom. Once there, give Adam Silver a swirlie, say, “Oh wait, you’re bald,” then shove his head in the toilet again anyway.
- Pretend to be a bookie and show up at Adam Silver’s office saying Jontay Porter directed you to him to pay off Porter’s gambling debts.
- Schedule a football game on Christmas Day.
- Compare Caitlin Clark’s ratings to those of the NBA Finals in front of Adam Silver’s children.
- Create a Donald Sterling robot (not an online bot, a physical robot) that follows Adam Silver around saying increasingly vulgar things laced with many casually used racial slurs.
- Install a pinhole camera in a Chinese prison camp and livestream it onto the TV in Adam Silver’s living room.
- Buy an NBA team. Wait a year. Fake Jontay Porter’s death. Once Porter’s lifetime ban is lifted, sign Porter’s “ghost.” When Adam Silver arrives to try to put a stop to this, give Adam Silver a swirlie, say, “Oh wait, you’re bald,” then shove his head into the toilet again anyway.
