Conference USA Thursday: What to Know

Conference USA is going to play football again tonight, and this time, we’re ok with it. Thursday night is a football night in the fall, and there’s no baseball on anyway, so we’re grateful to have something on our televisions.

The three Conference USA games tonight, and what to know:

Sam Houston @ Liberty

On the Sam Houston side:

• I don’t know why, but I always think it’s BearKats, not Bearkats. Thankfully, it’s apparently Bearkats.
• Similarly to Middle Tennessee yesterday, I’m not sure Sam Houston has fully abandoned calling itself Sam Houston State. I think the shortening on so much athletic material is probably a convenience thing.
• Yes, Sam Houston was the cool Texas founding father. Definitely a mortal, but the coolest of those guys by far (and Davy Crockett was really cool).
• These guys get too much credit for their FCS national championship. They were a good team, but they wouldn’t have beaten North Dakota State in a fall season. NDSU would’ve had Trey Lance. It was a championship, but it’s lesser than all the FCS titles other schools have won.
• These guys stink. Not as bad as FIU, but a little worse than the other three last night. Also? They don’t score sometimes. This was a little different last week, but they managed only one touchdown across their first three games, and they weren’t playing ranked competition.

On the Liberty side:

• Hugh Freeze isn’t the coach at Liberty anymore. He’s at Auburn. Can’t be in two places at once. I feel like there’s a joke here about the scandal where he used to use a University of Mississippi cell phone to call escort services, but I’m struggling to formulate it. Work on that amongst yourselves.
• The new coach is Jamey Chadwell, the old Coastal Carolina guy. (He was at Charleston Southern before that, and yes, that’s how Charleston Southern came to nearly upset North Dakota State in that memorable 2016 game in Fargo. It all comes back to NDSU today.) The implication of this is that Liberty outranks Coastal Carolina on the coaching job pecking order. Running contrary to that impression is that Liberty plays in Conference USA, while Coastal Carolina is in a conference that is competitive in football. Is Jamey Chadwell scared?
• These guys stink, but they’re 4–0. They stink less than everyone else in the conference not named Western Kentucky. “How do they stink?” you ask. They would be a 1.5-point underdog on a neutral field against Nebraska. Does Nebraska stink? Admit it. You’ve said Nebraska stinks.

Western Kentucky @ Louisiana Tech

On the WKU side:

• Big Red!!!!!!!! (Not talking about Nebraska, talking about the mascot who got ripped off by Italian TV show Striscia La Notizia, which created a character named Gabibbo who looks a whole darn lot like Big Red. You will want to read this article, even if you’ve read it before. The name Gabibbo might be the best part, though. Oh! They say Gabibbo can talk and Big Red can’t, but are we sure Big Red can’t? What if he only speaks Italian and so he doesn’t have anything to contribute to our English conversations?)
• Jeff Brohm’s actually been gone since 2016 (which explains how he was able to coach at Purdue), and they don’t sling the ball around like they used to. Only 34^th in the country in pass yards per game.
• Tyson Helton’s the current coach. Clay Helton’s brother. Fifth year already. Time flies when you’re having fun, and who couldn’t have fun working alongside Big Red?
• These guys stink, but they’re just as good as Liberty.

On the Louisiana Tech side:

• The name Hank Bachmeier ring a bell? No, you’re thinking of Hank Hill. That’s why the show is named King of the Hill. Hank Bachmeier used to be a quarterback at Boise State. Didn’t go great, but you probably saw a lot of him if you’re the sort reading about a WKU/LT matchup right now. Bachmeier isn’t starting tonight, as he’s coming off an injury, but he’s said to be available. Familiar face.
• Ruston is in the Southern part of Louisiana, by which I mean it’s in the northern part, which is The South. Like Florida, Louisiana gets less Southern as you go south. Unlike Florida, Louisiana gets Cajun instead of Caribbean and/or retired. Ruston’s on I-20. It has a Chick-Fil-A. My dog pooped on that Chick-Fil-A’s lawn. I picked it up. It was raining. The Chick-Fil-A is right next to a car wash. We didn’t use the car wash. I wonder if Fargo would like a car wash? The last time we went through a car wash, Fargo barfed when we got home, but that may have been because her stomach wasn’t digesting any food. The car wash might be innocent.
• Sonny Cumbie is the Louisiana Tech coach. No, first head coaching job. Full-time, I mean. Was the Texas Tech interim for a minute. I used to get Sonny Cumbie confused with Sonny Dykes. (Ok fine, yes, I thought they were one person and just didn’t know who Louisiana Tech’s coach was.)
• These guys stink, but they’re on the Middle Tennessee level of stinking.

Chicago Bears @ Washington Commanders

On the Bears side:

• A really helpful thing someone recently explained to me is that Bears ownership is split among a lot of McCaskeys and McCaskey-adjacent people. It’s not as simple as them selling the team. A whole lot of folks would have to agree to sell. Not just one. For this reason, the Bears’ future is the bleakest in all of professional sports.
• Yes, you are remembering correctly that Bears fans told you this offseason that Justin Fields was going to win them the Super Bowl in February of 2025. They don’t think that anymore. Something about the 11^th through 14^th straight losses evidently changed their opinion about the first ten. (I think Fields is a good quarterback in a bad situation, but that is a really easy thing to say about Bears’ quarterbacks.)
• Yes, the Bears have the first pick in next year’s NFL Draft (presumably) and also the Panthers’ first pick, so they might pick 1–2. Yes, this will go wrong in the funniest way you can imagine.
• These guys stink, but I do think they could beat Jacksonville State. So yes, they might make a run towards a Conference USA title. Wouldn’t that be something?

On the Commanders side:

• They’ll be fine in a few years. Maybe not good, but the cursed parts of their existence are all gone.
• They’re fine this year. Not good, but not terrible. Honestly? I won’t even say they stink. They’re just in here because it’s a funny game. The Commanders and Bears played the funniest, worst game in Thursday Night Football history last year (and there have been a lot of funny worst games, that’s how we all came to love the Color Rush), and the NFL said, “You know what would be hilarious?” This is a bit by the NFL. The NFL is doing a bit. The joke isn’t on us, either, because we enjoy it. The joke is on Al Michaels. The NFL is pranking Al Michaels by scheduling this game again.
• Kirk Herbstreit is also on the call, so we’re going to find out whether he watches the mid-majors too or just the top 25 teams. The biggest question going into tonight is whether Kirk Herbstreit is a casual.

**

That oughta do it. Next week we have a Sun Belt game on Tuesday, but just one. They aren’t even following it up with a Wednesday game. This………feels like it was an accident. More to come next week, though. Them and then also Sean Payton. We’re gonna have a good week next week.