My favorite thing about the Detroit Tigers is that Comerica Park’s Google Maps description is “Quirky ballpark with large food court.”
I never cease to enjoy this. I think about it multiple times a week. Sometimes, I like to imagine a visitor to Detroit scanning the map and saying, “Hey, here’s a good place to eat—and it’s got a quirky ballpark attached!” I don’t know who wrote it, but I love them for it, and as a tribute to this person, I have written ballpark descriptions of my own for the other 29 major league stadiums (except for Petco Park’s—I kept the Google Maps words for that one).
Nationals Park: Popular date spot for Capitol Hill interns
Truist Park: Outdoor mall featuring militant cow robot
Guaranteed Rate Field: Unused concert venue
Marlins Park: Former sculpture garden
Globe Life Field: Lowe’s but baseball
Progressive Field: Second-least depressing stadium in Cleveland
Citizens Bank Park: Large parking lot with baseball attached
Miller Park: Affordable travel destination from Chicago
RingCentral Coliseum: Two thirds-deserted athletic complex
Kauffman Stadium: Home of 2015 Ned Yost religious movement
Wrigley Field: Most expensive beer garden not in Germany
Dodger Stadium: Joe Kelly’s office
PNC Park: Riverside home of multiple wildcard games
Citi Field: Home base of possible Ponzi scheme
Tropicana Field: The saddest aquarium not found in a mall
T-Mobile Park: We didn’t know what Safeco was either
Coors Field: Professional pitcher torture chamber
Minute Maid Park: You’re on camera!
Chase Field: Hot tub with a view
Oriole Park at Camden Yards: Beautiful home of ugly baseball
Yankee Stadium: Charming corporate retreat center
Petco Park: Notable stadium for sports & concerts
Target Field: Baseball stadium not a store
Sahlen Field: Buffalo’s Canadatown staple
Oracle Park: Kayak viewing area
Angel Stadium of Anaheim: Testing center for futuristic robotics
Fenway Park: Historic baseball & racism venue
Great American Ball Park: Most fun thing to do in Cincinnati
Busch Stadium: Downtown temple to the steroid era
