I took a little time away from work this afternoon to do different work and watch a hockey game. This gave me an opportunity to reflect, a chance to ponder Columbus Day, Indigenous Peoples Day, and anything else we call this second Monday in October. What did this reflection and absorption reveal?
1. Canadians are conniving, but they are savvy.
It’s a complicated issue, what to call today. Columbus Day gained prominence as a response to a mass lynching of Italian immigrants in Louisiana, a one-time celebration of a then-idolized Italian. Benjamin Harrison said, “Hey, you racist murderers, remember when an Italian brought you from Europe to this continent?” and I don’t know if the lynchings stopped or not, but it sure seemed to make the Italians feel good. This—and the fact that us bitches love holidays—made it persist.
Over time, awareness rose of how Columbus was a pretty bad guy, even by the standards of his day. He had more in common with the guys doing the lynching than the folks getting lynched. How to respond? We either had to do the “Yeah, but that guy was ballsy” thing or back off. Probably for the better, we mostly backed off.
Nobody wants a complicated holiday. Spend enough time talking Columbus Day and you’ll get into a discussion of whether George Bush was a war criminal and whether Obama was justified in droning those American citizens in Yemen. It’s not fun! Nobody wants to spend a beautiful Monday in October reckoning with the complexities and deficiencies of human morality. I fear this has dissuaded us from treating the second Monday in October as a full-on three-day weekend. I fear we have cut off our day off to spite our history.
Columbus Day is not a phenomenon unique to the U.S.A. There are various versions of it throughout Latin America. In Canada? Nothing. You know why? In 1957, Canada—a country who owes just as much to Columbus as we do—named the second Monday in October “Canadian Thanksgiving.” They looked at America’s holidays and said, “What if we just put our Thanksgiving on Columbus Day?” They dodged the issue. Now, they get daytime hockey and all the pancakes they can eat.* Thanksgiving is the least controversial holiday. Even when people yell “BUT THE PILGRIMS WEREN’T GOOD,” you can just say, “Hey man. I’m just being thankful over here.” Canada picked the least controversial holiday concept and used it to paper over Columbus. Sorr-ey! No Columbus Day fer me! Already bein’ thankful, eh? Genius. Genius behavior out of Junior America.
2. Indigenous Peoples Day had terrible messengers.
One of the biggest plagues which afflicted the movement to change Columbus Day’s name was who exactly led the movement to change Columbus Day’s name. The people who led the initial push for Indigenous Peoples Day were the least persuasive people we have: Privileged, whiny, politically-inclined academics. That’s why they came up with the name Indigenous Peoples Day. They didn’t want everybody to join their side. They wanted to make themselves feel morally superior. Morally superior, because they, the European-Americans enjoying the highest standard of living in human history thanks to a 520-year-long chain of events set in motion by Christopher Columbus, knew Columbus was actually not a person to celebrate. There were and are some great true believers in the movement, people who actually back up the performative gestures with deeds, support for the suffering. But a lot of those who pushed for Indigenous Peoples Day are just assholes, the same people who’ve led to half of Hitler’s rebounding Q Score among Gen Z.
It would’ve gone better for the movement itself if someone sat down and said, “You know, I wonder if American Indians are really bothered by Columbus Day. I wonder if that feels like salt in the wound,” and then went and asked a lot of American Indians how they felt. Then, maybe they could have considered the whole history—including the part where Louisianans lynched a bunch of Catholics—and said, “What if we called it Americans Day, or something like that?” This is how a lot of Latin America squared the circle. A lot of Latin American countries call Columbus Day “Día de la Raza,” or “Day of the Race,” celebrating how the union between indigenous Latin Americans and European immigrants led to the creation of the Hispanic race. Pretty rosy, sure. But holidays are supposed to be rosy! Holidays are rosy, and you learn the rest in history class from the teacher at your high school who smokes a ton of pot and has strong opinions about the Memphis Grizzlies starting five.
3. 15 goals might be too many goals.
Electric game between the Ottawa Senators and the Los Angeles Kings, but it got to the point where the scoring was maybe too much. In hockey and soccer, you want every goal to feel cataclysmic for the team who allows it. This is the problem with lacrosse. In addition to everybody moving so slowly out there, the goals only mean a medium amount. Anyway, it was a really fun game, but I’m glad most hockey is lower-scoring than that.
Happy Canadian Thanksgiving, Canada. Happy Second Monday in October to the rest of you. We tried suggesting rebranding this as a National Day of Loathing, but at this point, I think we just stick with being awkward about it. The important thing is that we reclaim a three-day weekend in October.
*I assume every Canadian family eats a ton of pancakes. That’s what I’d do if I celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving. Then, I would go to the zoo and ride a polar bear like I was a cowboy, pretending I was drunk on maple syrup. The polar bear would eat me, and my blood sugar would be so high that the polar bear would get diabetes. Legally, this would make the polar bear an American. Checkmate, Canada. Get fucked.
