With conference realignment probably ongoing, vibes are volatile right now in college football. Which is why we need to check them. Let’s go through it.
The SEC, the Big Ten
You know that quiet self-doubt you see in the more demonstrative guys in fraternities? Or from the girls back in high school who were almost pretty? That’s going on here. The question is only which schools know they possess this feeling. USC knows. I don’t think UCLA does. I think Michigan might know. Ohio State does not. Georgia? Does not know. Nick Saban knows.
The Big 12, Arizona State, Arizona, Utah
Theirs is a vibe of cautious optimism, but also skeptical optimism. It’s like they were just in a horrific car crash, but they’ve walked away and they seem bizarrely uninjured.
Notre Dame
Notre Dame is loving this.
Stanford
Stanford actually doesn’t know conference realignment is going on. Stanford has not been paying attention. “Realignment?” they ask, “Are you referring to Putin’s attempted redrawing of borders in the Donbas?”
Oregon, Washington
Oregon and Washington are peering into a deep pool of doom.
Oregon State, Washington State
Oregon State and Washington State are hoping this small stick they’ve found can 1) saw through these ropes tying them to the train track, 2) not break before it saws through these ropes tying them to the train track, and 3) finish the job of sawing through these ropes tying them to the train track before the Los Angeles Express rolls through. I hear a whistle in the distance.
Cal
I think “terror” might be the word.
The ACC
There’s a grim acceptance here, similar to the feeling you get when you first grasp that this house project, which you thought would be simple, is in fact going to take you the entire day, if not the entire weekend. At this point, you have to get through it. There is no way out but through.
Boise State
There’s continued determination from Boise State. They’re the person at the gym just hitting their numbers, eating right, and showing up again tomorrow. They are controlling what they can control.
Colorado
Colorado is hiding under the table, and their shaking is making the table shake.
SMU
Oddly enough, SMU is declaring victory. SMU just walked into the gym next to Boise State, started to curl a 55-lb. barbell, couldn’t quite do it, set it down, and is now strutting around high-fiving people. Everyone but Fresno State is confused.
Fresno State
Have you ever seen someone much too old to start a band try to start a band?
New Mexico
New Mexico would be staring into the Washington/Oregon pool of doom, but Washington & Oregon’s pools are deep and mysterious. New Mexico’s is a sandy puddle outside a Walmart in Rio Rancho.
San Diego State
Have you ever checked your bank account and been negatively surprised? San Diego State’s combing through the statements right now. There has to have been a mistake.
Utah State
Utah State just put on a BYU costume.
Wyoming, Colorado State
It’s good to be cool enough that however this shakes out, you’ll still be cool.
Nevada
Nevada is listening to Bon Iver and softly crying.
UNLV
UNLV just did another line of cocaine and is getting in the car to go egg Nevada’s house.
San José State
What’s this? We went to the address San José State listed on Google Maps, and all that’s here is an abandoned construction site. The chain-link fence looks like it was taken down by wind.
Memphis
Memphis would like to be involved, please. Crimes? Recently? No, they didn’t do any recent crimes. Please, have a seat. Pull out a cha—NO NOT THAT ONE DO NOT TOUCH THAT CHAIR.
