Oh, Dabo…
1. Dabo Swinney
Longtime readers know we think Clemson got off easy when 15% of their samples turned up positive for PED’s in 2018. What I’m not sure we’ve ever talked about is my personal wrinkle to the conspiracy theory: I don’t think Dabo Swinney knew. Most legitimate conspiracies keep very few people involved. It would be easy for a strength and conditioning coach or a nutrition staffer to mix in a little ostarine for the boys. The boys wouldn’t have to know. Dabo Swinney wouldn’t have to know.
Why do I bring this up today? Because last night, Dabo Swinney challenged decades of societal faith in the basic mathematical tenets of addition and subtraction. This was the situation:
Clemson trailed Louisville by 19 points, a deficit which turned to 13 when Phil Mafah scored a touchdown with six minutes remaining in the fourth quarter. Swinney had two choices:
Behind Door Number 1, Swinney could go for two. Convert the two-point conversion, and Clemson would trail by eleven points. Still a longshot, but at least close enough where a touchdown, two-point conversion, and field goal would tie the game. Fail to convert? Clemson would trail by 13, needing two touchdowns to take the lead.
Behind Door Number 2, Swinney could kick the extra point. Make it, and Clemson would trail by 12, needing two touchdowns to take the lead.
To make this abundantly clear, trailing by 12 points is effectively the same as trailing by 13 when there are six minutes left in a football game. There was no downside to Door Number 1. Fail on the two-point conversion, and Clemson would be in the same spot they’d occupy with a successful extra point. Down by 12 or down by 13, Clemson would need two touchdowns to take the lead. There was upside to Door Number 1, and there wasn’t downside, and this happened late enough in the football game to be a very basic choice.
Swinney chose Door Number 2.
Swinney said, “Nah, I’m good,” and sent Nolan Hauser out there to keep it a two-touchdown game.
Theories abound as to why Swinney might do this, ranging from “Dabo gave up” to “Dabo wanted to stick it to the nerds.” My theory is this:
Dabo’s a little dumb.
So much of Dabo Swinney’s career makes more sense when you consider that the guy might just be a little bit stupid. The ostarine thing. The Brandon Streeter season. The time he said, “The key to coaching…is not knowledge.” Clemson has managed to become an average top-25 program despite recently assembling the most talented rosters in school history, stronger rosters than the ones which went toe-to-toe with Bama in the mid-2010’s. Very little of this makes sense if Dabo Swinney is a smart person. All of it makes sense if Dabo’s kind of dumb.
You can succeed in life without being smart, and that’s good, because a lot of people aren’t smart. P.J. Fleck came to my old job’s corporate headquarters once and, with a salary 59 times larger than mine (the gap has since grown), told us all with pride that he’d gotten an 18 on his ACT. It’s ok to be a little dumb! Plus, it’s way more fun to assume Dabo’s just a dummy than it is to think of him as some nefarious, cheating car salesman.
2. Hugh Freeze
Speaking of nefarious, cheating car salesmen, Hugh Freeze is now 0–3 in his career against Diego Pavia. Those losses:
November 26th, 2022: New Mexico State beats Liberty 49–14 in a game where Liberty was a 24-point favorite. Pavia throws or runs for six of the seven Aggie touchdowns.
November 18th, 2023: New Mexico State beats Auburn 31–10 in a game where Auburn was a 26.5-point favorite. Pavia throws for three touchdowns.
November 2nd, 2024: Vanderbilt beats Auburn 17–7 in a game where Auburn was a 7.5-point favorite. Pavia throws for both Vanderbilt touchdowns.
To be fair, Pavia wasn’t the primary reason Vanderbilt beat Auburn yesterday. The primary reason Vanderbilt beat Auburn is that Auburn refused to give Hugh Freeze the necessary clauses in his contract which permit him to release all his stress. That, Jarquez Hunter only getting twelve carries, some missed Auburn field goals, and the rebirth of newly bowl-eligible Vandy all contributed just as much as Pavia to the victory, if not more. But Diego Pavia is Hugh Freeze’s personal bogeyman, and it’s perfect. Can’t you just picture Pavia transitioning into a law enforcement career in ten years and bringing down Freeze in some FBI sting operation? Freeze walks into the Red Roof Inn and finds himself immediately in handcuffs. A familiar voice tells him he’s under arrest.
3. Penn State
This is a little unfair. Everybody tells you to be yourself, and James Franklin’s Penn State teams continue to be exactly that. Also, I’ll say this about that goal line playcalling sequence from Penn State savior Andy Kotelnicki: It may have been stupid, but it was also predictable.
4. Fox Sports
If any of the presidential candidates actually liked sports, they’d include the abolition of Big Noon Kickoff in their unconstitutional campaign promises. (We had more on Fox Sports yesterday, for those looking to blow off a little steam. [Not in the Hugh Freeze way.])
5. The Ag Schools
One time I went to Farmageddon in Manhattan (that is a football game, by the way, and we are talking about the Manhattan in Kansas), and as I stood there in the grass lot behind Bill Snyder Family Stadium, slugging Busch Lights with my good friend Kyle from high school, a K-State fan approached. He looked at my sweatshirt, shook my hand, and said, “I like you Iowa State guys. You and Oklahoma State. Just good people.”
Now, I did not go to Iowa State. But I hope that guy knows that I’m suffering at his side today, emotionally if not literally. All three of us, crushed.
6. Marcus Hayes
We stand with Joel Embiid. (Context, additional context.)
7. Florida State
Mack Brown has been a frequent figure in these vibe checks this year, so let us acknowledge Brown’s victory by pointing out that Florida State is even losing to Mack Brown now. The same Mack Brown who lost so badly earlier this year that he tried to retire.
I’m still kicking myself for not realizing after the Dublin game that FSU would completely, thoroughly collapse. There is no adversity against which Florida State is capable of responding under Mike Norvell. It is always on to next year. In a way, I guess this makes Florida State the program of the future.
8. Lincoln Riley
USC might miss a bowl. Joe Stunardi’s got the Trojans’ average final record hovering real close to 5–7. Dabo, if you’re reading this: When we say “average,” we’re talking about the middle of something.
9. Pitt
I’m pissed about Pitt losing, not because I have any loyalty to Pitt, but because I bought a car this week from the godfather of one of Pitt’s running backs, and that godfather had GREAT vibes. Awesome, awesome vibes. Good, wholesome, laid-back car salesman. Exactly what you want when you googled “best small SUV” because you were having to disconnect your old car’s battery every time you parked if you wanted that car to start the next time you needed it. I was looking for a fast, painless process, and a fast, painless process is what I got. I’m a Honda man now.
Anyway, that godfather went up to Dallas for the SMU game, and Pitt got crushed. I’m assuming the godfather sat through all of it. And to make matters worse? I put off responding to his post-sale email. Now I have to figure out something nice to say when I do email him back tomorrow.
10. Brian Kelly
How do you think Brian Kelly spends his weeks off during the season? I like to picture him at Pappadeaux’s, losing his shit on the wait staff like they are a holder who didn’t realize the long snapper had snapped the ball. The problem with this vision is that I don’t think Pappadeaux’s has any Louisiana locations. Which makes sense. There aren’t any Bennigan’s in Ireland.
1. Curt Cignetti
The thing about Curt Cignetti is that he internalizes every criticism people say about him and then refutes it with his actions. All those quotes NBA players say about using slights as motivation and proving the haters wrong? That’s what Curt Cignetti does, and he does it perfectly. For that reason, my new goal in life is to never say anything that Curt Cignetti feels is disrespectful, out of fear that he will bring his football team to my home and score 47 points against me.
Evidently yesterday’s provocation was that Cignetti heard some people saying Indiana couldn’t play from behind. So, the Hoosiers spotted Michigan State ten points and then rained fire and brimstone upon all of East Lansing.
2. The Beamer Family
I love how happy Shane Beamer gets. He’s so giddy out there when things are going well. Very boyish of him, and his proud father standing in the corner added to the atmosphere. Frank Beamer would look so cozy in a good thick sweater. I bet he’s a delight on New Year’s Eve.
3. Xavier Restrepo
If Miami were truly back, Xavier Restrepo would have transferred out after Manny Diaz got fired, transferred back after making John Ruiz drop a bag, committed a terrible crime that gave everyone the impression he was an accessory to murder, gotten off without any legal consequences for that crime, then stomped on an opponent’s face after breaking some touchdown record.
Instead, Restrepo seems like a pretty good guy. Works hard, loves his hometown, lunchpail player. Also, the record he broke was for yardage, not touchdowns, and it was followed by no stomping. So, while Xavier Restrepo has awesome vibes and I would like him on all my favorite football teams, I regret to inform Miami fans that I’m not sure Miami is back.
4. Vanderbilt
6–3, man. Vanderbilt is 6–3. They swept the state of Alabama. Two of their losses came by one possession to SEC teams. Vanderbilt is the good twin to Colorado’s evil one, and I will be taking no further questions about this claim.
5. Disrespected OSU QB’s
I love Kyle McCord, and I inexplicably cannot stand Will Howard. I really don’t get it, but something about the things Will Howard says and the way Will Howard plays makes me feel like I have morning sickness. McCord? The man. Can’t kill him. Syracuse pulled off a big comeback win yesterday. It came nine days after McCord threw three separate pick-sixes. Howard? I will begrudgingly admit that despite giving away 14 points entirely by himself, he played a successful game in Happy Valley.
6. Mississippi
Part of why I think we should be nice to Dabo about the whole “being dumb” thing is that my brain is entirely convinced of the following: The winner of the Mississippi/Georgia game entirely depends on how much the discourse sides with Georgia. If the discourse describes this as Mississippi’s chance to break through, Georgia will smoke them and Carson Beck will stop playing like Bad Day Kyle McCord. If the discourse ignores this game, Mississippi will win, the state will secede again, and Lane Kiffin will inadvertently become the Western Hemisphere’s first monarch in decades.
7. Joey McGuire
The rules are simple: If you get choked up during a postgame interview, you’ve got great vibes. Texas Tech always performs well vibrationally. That’s why there are so many earthquakes these days in West Texas and Oklahoma. But McGuire’s humanity yesterday took it over the top. Different kind of great vibes.
8. Cam Skattebo
I feel like Cam Skattebo should be remembered for something small but meaningful. That’s what feels appropriate for a player of his stature and ability. If Oklahoma State doesn’t win out—and I don’t think they will or anything—can we give Skattebo the credit for being the guy who ended Mike Gundy’s bowl streak? Small but meaningful. 274 yards yesterday. 274 of ‘em.
9. The Fargodome
Last night, at 10:20 PM Central Time, a friend texted me the following:
“Just caught the NDSU coach press conference watching the local ABC out of Fargo.”
I have a few questions about this text—mainly whether my friend was home in Minneapolis or up at his in-laws’ cabin, and if it was the former how he’s able to get WDAY instead of KSTP. More importantly, this was the quote my friend shared from Tim Polasek:
“Starting to talk about our goals that we control our own destiny for. We want to defend the dome, but first we need to earn the dome.”
I love the sentiment here. It’s not only about defending your home turf. It’s about being worthy of the right to defend that home turf in the first place. I hope I’m earning the Vibe Check. That’s the destiny I need to control. I need to earn it.
Also, excellent camo on Polasek for the Salute to Service, as my friend pointed out. I like it even more because I think Polasek always wears a suit to his midweek press conferences. I don’t know where he found this picture, because I’ve been looking for the interview for 25 minutes, but here it is:
10. That Incarnate Word Guy
There are certain things that are really, really funny for reasons it’s hard to describe. This is one of those things. It just looks so goofy. Two angles:
Be well out there, football fans. And Dabo: Turn the shower knobs to the right when you want to shut off the water. You’ve got this, buddy.
