NORTH POLE – Leaked documents verified by sources close to Santa Claus confirmed today that Dan Hurley, head men’s basketball coach at the University of Connecticut, is on the Naughty List.
“It’s not the yelling at the refs,” one of the sources relayed to The Barking Crow. “St. Nick hates refs. Judging who did something wrong? That’s Santa’s whole thing.” The source continues: “Santa’s pissed at Dan Hurley because he thinks the guy schedules too soft in nonconference. You want people to think you’re a blue blood, but you’re out here played New Hampshire and Le Moyne? And then there was all the complaining about Maui. Santa loves Maui. Second-favorite island. Behind Greenland, not Christmas Island like a lot of people think. And don’t get me started on the Island of Misfit Toys. Participation trophy culture ran amok there. But yeah, Santa loves Maui. Tans there in the summer. You think those cheeks get rosy all on their own? Anyway, Hurley took his pale, bald ass to Maui and got it handed back to him, and then he throws a hissy fit? Santa’s had it with the guy.”
Further investigation revealed that Dan Hurley has been on Santa’s radar for years, and that before Bobby Hurley defected to Damn U Kind Elves, a South Polf Elf opposition movement led by Mike Krzyzewski, the now-Arizona State head coach was a spy sent to New Jersey to observe his ostensible younger brother, Dan.
From a second source: “Dan Hurley was a bad kid growing up. Wouldn’t clean his room. Wouldn’t flush the toilet. But Santa never really knew what to do with him because he was just so weird. Usually the poop kids have something wrong with them, so Santa cuts them some slack. Wasn’t until Maui that Santa finally had it. Went storming into the shop himself and shut down production on the Matchbox MTA buses Hurley had asked for in his letter. Tried to break the one they’d already made, but you really can’t break those things. That’s why they hurt so bad when you step on them. Strongest toy we produce up here.”
Further review of the documents revealed scores of sporting figures on this season’s Naughty List. Among them:
- LeBron James (got a tattoo)
- Aaron Judge (didn’t use two hands)
- Paul Finebaum (playoff takes)
- O.J. Simpson (faked his own death)
- Bill Belichick (overfishing)
- Mystik Dan (cussing)
- Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (battery)
- Harrison Butker (PED’s)
- Brian Kelly
- Kon Knueppel (he’s gonna do something really bad in an ACC game in January)
- Ippei Mizuhara (taking advantage of his dumb friend)
- Josef Newgarden (annoying)
- Scottie Scheffler (reckless driving)
- Rory McIlroy (reckless driving)
- Raygun (ruining the Olympics for Santa Claus, who looks forward to them every two years)
- Sheila Johnson (entitlement)
- Ben Johnson (deceit)
- Eli Manning (hookers)
- Scott Van Pelt (killed a guy)
- Anthony Richardson (got a tattoo)
At press time, Lane Kiffin was still on the Nice List, but sources confirm that Santa has Google News Alerts turned on for his longtime nemesis. “The sleigh’s autopilot means Santa spends a lot of time on his phone now on Christmas Eve. Kind of a double-edged sword. Helps him keep kids honest up to the last minute, but between that and the eighteen-thousand beers he drinks in Wisconsin, he usually comes home in a pretty bad mood.”
