In what we can only assume is a quest for revenge after those ravens in Canberra defeated Google’s drones, the Silicon Valley city of Sunnyvale is pestering a bunch of crows. From the Mercury News:
As the sun began to set Monday, about the only crow that could be spotted in Plaza del Sol was fake — an effigy of a dead one suspended upside down from a tree’s leafless branch.
For real, Sunnyvale? Beyond just how disgusting this is, think of what would happen if a crow did this with a human effigy out in the woods. The media would be calling for that crow’s head. Well, not Fox News. They’d probably offer the crow a lot of primetime interviews. And certainly not The Barking Crow. We’d be trying to place peacemaker. But that’s not the point. The point is that crows would never do this to humans. Crows would never build a fake dead human and put it in a public space to discourage humans from frequenting said public space.
And it gets worse:
What happened?
Cue in the $20 green laser and turn the clock back a week. That’s when city parks worker Erick Delgadillo started taking evening walks to Plaza del Sol — one of the crows’ favorite roosting spots — and aiming the laser’s shiny green beam at the trees. The light spooked the birds, sending them flocking elsewhere.
So the sparknotes here are that Sunnyvale was blessed with a large crow population, and Sunnyvale didn’t like the crow population, so Sunnyvale told a public employee to get rid of the crows (thankfully, and to Sunnyvale’s credit, nuclear weapons were evidently off the table, along with other things that could kill a crow). The employee decided to use effigies (disturbing) and a laser (not disturbing but come on, man, let the crows do their thing). It’s…working? I hesitate to use that word, since the goal is such a dumb one, but yeah, the crows are leaving, they don’t like it when you shine that light into their eyes. It’s a blueprint, of sorts, for cities trying to be lamer. If your city needs to stink, buy a laser. It costs twenty dollars. Also hire a guy to shine that laser at the coolest thing in your city. That costs, well, I’m not hazarding a guess at Mister Delgadillo’s wage, I’m not an asshole (unlike his superiors, it seems).
The thing about Sunnyvale is that, from all reports, it already stinks. It’s so close to so many cool things and San Jose, but it, it itself? Sunnyvale? Lame (from all reports). I went on Tripadvisor to look for the top thing to do in Sunnyvale and it flashed up a warning message saying, “Are you sure you aren’t trying to visit somewhere cool?” And I just clicked “Yes” because there wasn’t somewhere to explain myself and it said, “Really?” And I clicked “Yes” again and then after the FBI left my house I clicked “The FBI has determined I am not a threat” and Tripadvisor said “Ok fine the top thing to do is a farmers market” and I clicked “A farmers market?!” and Tripadvisor said “Yeah a farmers market this place sucks” and I clicked “Wow, yeah, it really must, that should be in the top ten but if it’s first it’s either a great farmers market or you have a big problem” and Tripadvisor said “Oh it’s the latter, buddy, definitely the latter.”
If you’re Sunnyvale, you could have made an attraction out of this. Thousands of crows partying it up in your park? People would go there. I would go there. Instead, you’ve got a farmers market.
Good for the crows. They needed somewhere better to hang out anyway.
